A Familiar Drive

So these days I’ve been feeling a lot, better than I used to feel. I’ve been keeping score or track of my progress and performances of course with living life this year, and I’ve really been carefully showing improvement. Like June finally kick-started me and I took everything I was overthinking, laid it down, and organized it. I’ve been talking to my dad a lot about it, with everything that’s going on (which isn’t much), and I just send these long-winded texts about how I’m doing with things or how I’m dealing with them. A lot has been going on since my last two posts, let me tell you about it. In the post before this one I was saying we were fixing up the car to get back to working out, which is kind of funny actually. Turns out we’ve only worked out maybe once a week since last month, because the car was more broken than we expected and it still isn’t working. So I haven’t been back to actively going to the gym like I thought I was, but man, we were on it when we were actively going! That was mostly just the spring time, and we went a few good times a week back then. That was helpful for me, especially since it was a reliable thing to do with my time that I could count on persistently with my days. We’ll get that car fixed again and then we’ll be back to it, but for now I just see my dad a couple times a week (if that) while I live with my mom and I tell him all about how I feel these days, with not much else going on and lots shuffling through my mind all the time with what I’m feeling next as I do. I think I text him too much actually, rambling about how things are still getting better, distancing myself from my two-timing drug relapse in like April, getting back to my old psychiatrist, taking a break from style blogging until my skin heals etc. but then I just ended up back here on WorryJustEnough for some mindful paragraphs about it. I almost feel kind of bad for texting him so much about how I’m feeling but he’s the only one that knows what’s going on with me everyday so he’s one of the only people I really talk to anymore. And he’s my dad, so he gets me through it, helps me with what I feel like I’m struggling with and acknowledging what I’m doing. I even stopped smoking cigarettes again, finally, and I’m done now with my box of nicotine patches, too so I finally have kicked nicotine – other than socially smoking 1 cigarette with Jessie (my stepmom) when I go see my dad or vaping with a friend when I go hangout with them. I allow myself that, but I don’t put nicotine juice in my vape anymore because I was totally addicted to both vaping and cigarettes for a while this year and it became compulsive, so I just quit it again. It’s never a problem when I don’t buy myself a pack or nicotine juice, so I just buy CBD vape juice and go outside to vape twice a day (never usually more than that) to fulfill my brain’s consideration of a smoking habit that I used to handle with weed mostly. But I don’t smoke weed anymore, I don’t smoke anything at all anymore for the time being. I’ve got a drug evaluation coming up so I just decided to finally drop everything, including weed (which I’ve been smoking since I was 15 actually). So let me get through discussing all the substance before I start talking about how I’m actually doing and feeling these days, because a lot of progress will be made this month but I’m still trying to wrap my head around the last of the days of my addictive behaviors that I’m plucking with one string at a time before I really change my life, which I will with my habits and my writing skills (with my blogging 2-3 times a month), but let’s just see. These are the kinds of things that would explain themselves a bit better after I’m finally done writing this, because I know myself pretty well, but might as well talk about the things that happened with the substances even though I’m already on the other side again. This month will be a good one forward.

After my relapse I started feeling cravings and weird things with my brain telling me that I need to rely on something to get me past this, so I got a cigarette from Jessie and decided to start buying packs again. But then with that weird signal to my brain, from doing the heroin, not the meth, I latched onto the habit and decided to go outside every once in a while to smoke a cigarette. But then I couldn’t lay still in my bed anymore, I was too antsy and needed to change my state. Knowing I couldn’t go back to the drugs, I switched the signals to the cigarettes, and started buying 1-2 packs every other day (sometimes everyday) to get me by, and I still couldn’t watch TV for more than a little bit at a time because I kept relying on the cigarettes. I didn’t know it would last that long but it was about a month of smoking cigarettes, and I knew I had an issue there. I also smoked weed once in a while but needed barely half a bowl or less per day of it because my brain suddenly didn’t care anymore about weed, so even though I had it in the car I’d sometimes skip it after the gym or on a drive, because I could just sit back for days and not think about it, so I knew something changed in my brain the second after that little bit of heroin. It makes sense to me but I still sometimes smoked weed until I needed to drop all those drugs for my evaluation coming up and then I was finally fine with quitting smoking weed. Cigarettes had nothing to do with it, I just suddenly didn’t care for weed anymore. But still the cigarette thing made sense, I was finally spiraling at the end (like how I mentioned cycling with a pack back in last month’s/May’s post on here) and I knew I wanted to quit, but I just breathed and cut myself some slack for the cigarettes (which I had already quit smoking and switched to vaping in the post before that one, from April). My dad told me it was okay and that I would be able to quit them again once I was ready, so I relaxed and dropped them and started using nicotine patches eventually, which basically ‘bedrid’ me, for the rest of my days it seemed! Because by now I had no reason to leave my room at all throughout the day, and instead of a cigarette break after everything I just kept going for drives then coming back up to my room to lay and watch TV in my bed, with nothing more to do until the next drive, really. I swear, there’s nothing to do in my room except blog for awhile, but I took a break from doing anymore photoshoots to let my skin heal, so there’s time for writing once in a while but not all the time these days. There’s always something different though everyday, and yesterday for the first time in a long time I didn’t go anywhere all day, just stayed home and watched American Dad! which I started again from the beginning. So now I’m off of cigarettes again, dropped weed, won’t relapse again (drug evaluation for court is on the 15th for me), wearing my last nicotine patch, with my dad’s car still broken – but I’m doing fine! We still go to the gym together like once a week as I mentioned, with my brother and dad, and I can still go with my mom to plenty of places on Tuesdays, but anything exciting that is coming up will be later this month. Glad I’m finally sticking to the room thing, not needing to leave it other than to grab myself food or get out of the house later, but I swear things are going to change soon.

I’m ready for the changes, finally. This month we’re getting our kitchen remodeled so the whole thing looks destroyed right now, but that’ll finally get done this month or next so that’s something new to look at. But my mom is in Vegas right now so it’s just my brother & I, but at least he took me to go see our dad a couple days ago who helped me with a couple things on my laptop. At least we have a couple outings like that once in a while, to get out of the house. I’m glad I get to see my dad at least once in a while because he used to help me with everything in my life really, but now I just usually text him about how I’m doing and he gets it. He can still help me plenty, but until he gets his car fixed we can’t do much else about the home situation, so I have to rely on Reese (my brother) a little more to get me out to do stuff. On the bright side I have an appointment for my skin on Tuesday which is where we can start to make more progress on me, and also a hair appointment on the 17th (back to dying it red like I did in 2018 & 2019) so that’s a change. Those two things will mean a lot to me when they happen, and I’ll finally start reshaping my personal image and getting back to photoshoots for Shop For Days and getting my skin to heal for that finally. A couple things to look forward to later this month, because of course working out will always be the best thing for my body, but I’m doing the best I can with self-improvement for the time being, and I’ll get to a point eventually where I’m just grateful for the best but there’s a lot of things that have to come first before we can get me back to that point, actually. Plus I get to finally see my old psychiatrist again (from 2019) so I don’t have to keep doing med-management appointments over the phone anymore with my old provider, so this does wonders for me because we lowered a dosage (that was still too high for me) for one of them and also he can finally prescribe me new things as well, now that I get to see him again. That’s doing something for me because I’m getting my old-familiar drive back finally. These things I can use to pinpoint myself throughout time like a check list or a progress-bar, working towards what actually works best for me and keeping track of the rest; so that’s a good way to keep thinking when I have the right direction or momentum going for me. I think too much about how my skin is doing though, in terms of keeping track, because not a lot of progress has been made, but about how long it’ll be until I can grow my hair out or bleach it red enough makes petty sense too, but I don’t think about that much at all in terms of wonder. I didn’t have hope or help like this in the springtime, but at least I have things that are up next for me so I can keep up with or guide along with what’s changing for me, bad and good either way. I’m getting really good at knowing where I’m at and I’m starting to feel better in a few different ways anyway with what’s happening with me so at least I don’t feel alone with everything, if I could pull out one main thing that I’m grateful for, it’s the lacking of loneliness I usually take with me. I feel ‘strategic’ a lot with how I am because I have so many tools with me all the time, so that’s a word that I like to link to feeling in terms of myself. I’m finally ramping up and making changes for things that went without action or appreciation for too long, things that could really set aside me or stand beside me in the run of ways. I’ve got a lot going for me at least, day to day! I look to it sometimes, or maybe towards it really, for how long it’s taken me to get where I am here finally.

I don’t really even need any friends to talk to anyway; I hung out with like one person last month and it was great but I’ll rarely ever see him again so we just don’t really talk. Then there’s Matt who will probably always text me updates about what he’s doing but we stopped hanging out a while ago anyway, we did those shoots together (in the spring) but then just stopped even hanging out for awhile, and I don’t have much to talk to him about these days anyway. I’m glad he’s a friend that is there for me I guess but I just don’t really text many people at all anymore, just my dad honestly, keeping him updated on me actually. Then of course I also just write on my blogs once in a while, for some sustenance. And maybe writing something like this can help me enunciate with my dad more so I stop accidentally writing redundant paragraphs or just ‘Life Rambles‘ to him like the category on this blog. I get why I talk like that sometimes, there’s just so much to me and he knows, like, most of it! Nobody else knows that much about me, but my dad has this perspective that will always help me understand myself, and when we repeat things back to each other it’s confirmation. There’s always something to me going on, and these days it’s actually a good thing, or set of things! And even though I don’t have any other substances going on for me except alcohol these days (and I just drink Mikes), I now rarely ever worry about my state, or the lack of change to it. It used to be the going outside and smoking a cigarette that changed my state for me but now I just lay in bed and drive myself into a calm, progressive state that I can handle working on by myself until someone gets home at least. Then I get to go for a drive to the grocery store or to a coffee shop to get something to drink, or just get to ride in the car if there’s nothing we need to get. But I do have three family members that live with me at home (my mom’s house) that can drive me somewhere when I get anxious (once they get home from work anyway) so that does change my state differently, but consistently. It’s consistent, going for a drive has really always helped me with my anxiety, and I’ve relied on that this year as my only way to get out of the house. I feel at peace finally in my room, with Lana’s box of Palo Santo as something to burn, and even if I get to the point where I start to wait for the hours to pass until I get to go somewhere, then at least I can cope well with my mind until then. As if I know where I’m going with this and it will improve if it’s not there yet for me, in terms of time. My state will always be improving until I’m sick and tired of waiting, and for that wave of motivation that I sometimes get on Adderall I’m grateful and I can patiently wait for that bump up of my mood. Finally got that prescribed again this year, so even though it’s been so long since I was last given it, I still know how well it works for me and how to use it. I’m pretty satisfied with how things are going on it again, there have been a few different years in my life that Adderall helped me the most and I will always make progress when taking it, so I’m back finally to that familiar drive again. After all that I’ve been through in my time I would say this is one of the most significant things that have helped me, at the top of the list with things like Just Chills ranking. I had this one day earlier this year in April (before my relapse) that I was so calm and content for, where I wrote about being superhuman (it was definitely the day I wrote StressRelief actually) and I gotta say, this day is #2 for my best day of the year so far (that one being #1) and I just finally got Adderall again and if it’s already that close to my peak by now, then I know this is one of the best things for me, and it’s been less than a week with it again anyway. We’ll see how the days go, I just know this month is going to top that one at one point, with how I’m already doing and where it looks like I’m going. Like I said this will be a month of progress for me, and I’m really going in the right direction, so if my dad is able to get his car back up and running sometime this month too then that would work out so perfectly, actually. I know what the best possible thing to do would be, and I still can’t do it without his help most the time, but that makes total sense to me in a lot of directions, honestly.

I know there’s these things I can look forward to, but when I’m in a state of mind I usually just see it – stretching out in front of me but still tethered to this spot. I suddenly don’t feel the need to keep trying all the time, and with every attempt I can just sit there like it’s a plan and then I’m moving with it. I’m not stuck in my bed or in a ‘spot of mind’ with all the edges blocked out by the sun, I’m spinning in one place without losing momentum and can see perfectly clear what’s ahead of me, even if I’m not completely certain of what it is. In comparison of what’s behind me, which I can see like it’s moving when it isn’t anymore, my perspective of the past is always changeable with new context. Like when you’re in a car and the road is ahead of you, with my drive at one steady pace, changing sometimes with the movements. Everything is in my hands in one place, where I barely have to move a finger to change it, because of where it’s sourced and how I got there with my mind. The closer I get to it the easier I can see it, with everything around it spinning, yet my eyes are still just fixed ahead. Moving forward is the best thing I can do, but in that one spot in my room while I do nothing by myself I sometimes feel like I already am, because time is a factor. Maybe laying in one place watching the same thing can be something to teach me perspective again, like how I used to always change mine up to pull forward with my blogging. With or without change, my perspective is, like as if I already know what’s all to come next and I don’t have to get up every 5 seconds just to grab it. Or to even find it really, because it’ll be there for me in time as I go. Something to look forward to, which can keep me excited, each day changing one thing to the next with how I see things because it’s cool to, but a ton of things stay the same throughout that. Like to know where to look next, or just forward, without much force. It’s right in front of me, and my eyes can just sit there and still see it, and when I close them I still know exactly where I am with things and what’s next, as if knowing is as good as doing. Or like if trying was as good as moving, or if you should stop trying to compare the two and appreciate your spot. But it’s not my fault I can see the same thing every day (different episode, same road) and change something anyway, because it’s not about what you do but how you see where you’re at with it so far and then do what’s best for you. That’s all I ever even try to do, I don’t undercut my decisions or forget what I mean when I’m putting in effort. It can take nothing out of me just to view things more beautifully but time has been doing that a lot to me with all my weird dreams in between these days, and I still have everything in me every day no matter what it takes for me to get through the day. I still know exactly where to go even if it’s not my decision to go there until I’m taken there, but I still get to choose what I make of everything even when it’s not something I want. It’s not difficult to try to love every day once you’ve gotten to your peak, or almost have beaten your high scores (and comparatively judged them). I don’t rank the days that I don’t try, meaning I give myself a lazy day but still put in effort. But even when I put in little of it to an outfit (because it’s just sweats that day) and just spend most that day watching TV, I’ll still help around the house when I see something I could do. I still put in effort on the days that I don’t wear makeup, or write in that whole type-of outfit and feel heard like I’m speaking more fluently. I can resonate very well with the things around me, and music in the car is one of my favorite things, as daily as it is (to still appreciate concerts over that). Just because I do a lot of the same things every day (in a broadened term) doesn’t mean I lose appreciation for them, in comparison to rarities where I gain touch. I rarely ever need to organize my room but organizing is one of my very favorite things to do in the whole wide world. If I could I would, but there’s no way to push for that, it’s just done.

I don’t have much to do with my mind better than writing but I do have better days from time to time where I laugh in the car with my mom or have a good conversation with my brother at the table. Not too mention my dad, I hope he can read through my rambles and appreciate me like I do him with all that we’ve been through together. There’s nobody better in the world for me than my family, and as I’ve said before nobody will ever know me like my dad does for sure. Plus he tries to be there for me the best possible that he can be all the time but even if all he can do is shoot me a text back, that’s good enough for me for where we’re at with everything. It’s a lot of words that I throw at him with whatever is weighing on my back, or what it is that I need to get off my chest, and of course he reads my lengthy texts and writes something back. There’s always this confirmation and security that I get from that and he gets me through all of this and the rest, like every other post from this year and what I was going through. Like the skin thing, my skin really needs to start healing but sometimes it gets worse, so I show him and talk to him about it and he believes me, so we take an approach as I’m trying my best every day to take care of it. I can only do so much before we have to seek help from other people and places, like how many appointments I used to have to go to that he’s always helped me manage. That’s the best we can do but it’s enough for me, like when I used to talk about us going to the gym and said he helped me like he’s my personal trainer, and that’s cool to me. So many different experiences growing up, I’ve probably written about plenty of them on here back in earlier years, and we were pretty close when we lived together but now as of last year I’ve had to live without him, and then the car thing happens, and it’s hard for me sometimes but I still get through it and he helps me. Forget the skin thing, my hair used to fall out in handfuls growing up from the different medications I went through and he was there for me through it, making me food (like cutting up bowls of fruit) every day. That’s a healthy relationship right there! And then I grew up a little and my hair was much stronger, but I struggled with other things, one thing to the next year as it goes. This year it’s my skin, and even though we spent years taking me to get facials and buying Kora Organics, I still had this chemical reaction from mixing the wrong skincare together (like using salicylic acid for 2 weeks straight) and now it’s my biggest insecurity of anything I’ve been through in a long time, even. I was always a pretty secure person growing up with him there, but there was some years that my hair was so thin that it hurt my heart to look back at, but I can look at those pictures like it’s nothing now. It was just mostly all fallen out, but I still did photoshoots all the time. So after all that, this is one of the harder things, but I see it every day, I know where it’s at, and we’ll do anything we can to fix it so I just need to figure out what that is and then we’ll work on it, one day at a time. A couple appointments is what I’m thinking it’ll take, like the good ‘ol days! He totally used to take me to all my appointments at one point, but at least now he’s in a good place working hard at his place with not being able to go anywhere yet, really. I trust him a lot, and he’s taught me so much, so I can get over this eventually. I just can’t let it go until I know I’m taking care of it, that’s one thing I’ve learned about myself and hanging on to things. Doing the best I can is usually enough for me after all that we’ve seen really, in terms of my mental and physical health scares and triumphs. My dad usually helps me either way, but we don’t set the bar this low so I don’t know how this could’ve happened like this, the skin thing, but oh well. The worst I can do here is stress it out, but talking about it strategically helps me to get it off my chest, and that’s the one thing about worrying verses stress. Worrying is usually circumstantial, but stress is more of a buildup of that kind of the sort, but talking about it can make that worse unless you know how to step off and calm down when you’re pulling your own hair. Either way, I can find some way to fix it, it’s not going to hurt me worse, really. It hurts my feelings, but whatever. My dad helps me a lot and he sees my skin, I wear no makeup plenty of days, so he knows it’s bad. That’s a confirmation to me, it’s not like something I would ever want to hide it because it is bad enough that I cannot fix it myself. The point is this is what I’m currently struggling with, but we’ll work on it. I don’t ever worry about the state of his car, but he’ll fix it anyway. I shouldn’t worry about the state of my skin, but we’ll get it fixed eventually. It even makes sense to say that we do already worry about these things, but we try not to inflict our stress about everything, because that’s when it really starts to get to us. We’ll get to the bottom of these things eventually, for sure! Might as well keep working towards the positives, hanging from the sky like that’s what we really need to grasp next, or something, but realistically!

2 Comments

  1. I love this post. I love how you write out everything that you feel. This is how to journal. I recently came upon your page while browsing here on WordPress. I understand that you have been through a lot, I am happy to hear about your recent progress, congratulations. If you do not mind me making a suggestion, I would suggest that you do not fight this situation on your own, give it to God in prayer. Ask God for his help. I am sure that the Lord would be happy to hear from you. Work on your relationship with God. God is a keeper, a healer, a father, a teacher and much more. God is able to be the light to guide you. It all starts with a prayer. Say a prayer today.

    God says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

    Have great faith, the King is here with you. God is able to help. You should consider building a relationship with God, I have a post on that here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    There is much more to know about God. I post frequently on my blog about topics related to God. You are welcome to follow my blog to keep up with my content.

    -All the best. May God bless you. And please do reach out to me if you need a friend to talk to.

    Like

  2. Abby, my heart hurts for you…I had a different addiction but I gave it to Jesus, although it rears it’s ugly head sometimes I have power to defeat it…now please don’t tune me out, please… God loves you right where your at, “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I’m gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light ” Matthew 11:28-30, if you have questions or want to chat, send a comment, Praying for you, Dave

    Like

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