The Start is Something Better

Something about this year is, I had no idea what to expect for the most of it. Last year I was still really in all of it, spending a bunch of my time going out and doing drugs. The thing about living with my mom is that is really not supposed to be what I’d be doing. Finally by the beginning of December I decided to drop all of it, with the fact that is was jeopardizing my place to live here and stuff. I really see why I was still going out and doing that but every time my mom or someone noticed it, I was warned that I really can’t be doing this. I see why now with what states I was in and how out of it I was through all of that. I even spent time at this place RPK because of this freak out or episode shortly after I went out and did heroin or something. After I got home from that I really understood some of my limits and noticed what was happening with my brain and I knew to stop so I got rid of all of it that I had and decided to stay out of it. Later in the year I went out and did something like meth instead, thinking it was completely different from my brain. And then I got to December when I stopped, and spent so much more time away from both of those things. I’ve talked about these things in different ways in other blog posts of mine, but this one is more about what that did to me as I wasn’t noticing. So then I cut my hair at the end of December and changed a lot of my life, spending more of my time by myself. Then earlier this year I continued doing things for my blog, which I had started doing more of later last year. It became harder for me to write and I understood why I thought being in it was so helpful last year. I then only relapsed twice in one week in April and really got why, because I thought I was missing out on something. Months later I finally found out in court that I have to do outpatient treatment for like a year and had to drop everything. It was crazy because I spent a lot of my time drinking Mikes or smoking weed because I had stopped all the hard drugs and I get why I’m writing about all of this by now. It’s been almost a month off of both of those things and now I feel really great everyday, like that one post I wrote right before one of my relapses, gushing about how well I was doing and how my brain was just in a good place. This is when I really realized what these things were doing to me, as I would do so well without them and then go back to them and have to reset my brain a little after the fact. I spend a lot of time feeling good and driven, and that’s usually the peaks when I decide to write on this blog. I actually feel better than I ever have on any of those things this year, and I really see why today I shot to a peak and was able to reflect on these drugs and the states they put me in.

Writing about sobriety is weird to me because it includes explaining myself in every situation I was in doing drugs. I wouldn’t be sitting here gushing about how much better I was doing unless I knew now how much different it is to bail on everything and use my brain in a different light and see my way out of any way I could crutch myself. I always thought weed helped me but now I don’t care and I like where I’m at. Things like adderall pulled me out of a lot of this and now my brain does these things I never thought it could do, and I get to these points where I don’t need anything but that now. I’m doing well with my chemistry and I really like the fact that I cycle and learn about every point as they come and go, finding myself in all these situations that change my fucking life. I shouldn’t brag about how much better I’m doing now but I see why explaining everything seems like this. I used to write about all these miserable things or how I was doing, pushing myself to write about where I am and rarely ever going back to wonder or read any of those thoughts. Like how I was completely oblivious to this natural high, and I thought I’d spend more of my time glorifying drugs. I used to be really good at that, accomplishing things and getting way more done while I was high. Now I just think it’s stupid that all these things were mentally blocked in this gradual cycle through the year, things revealing themselves as I hit certain peaks through all of it. I kept feeling like shit because I needed a little weed, but that’s only because I spent a lot of time since I was 15 doing it. But give it the first month off of it, thinking about it too much, and then I get back to it and do it like twice a week. Then all these other days I had wish I had bought some joints, not having any weed at home, having smoked with Matt in like June thinking this is what we’re doing here. And it was, but then we have to drop everything and readjust and I really get it now. By July I realized I had to quit everything, and I was wondering how that would go with how much everything was for me. Drinking at the lake and doing nothing in particular is what we were doing with our relationship, but now I realize everything as I cycle out of that mindset and find myself in the same place without anything. Given my current states of mine I finally realize what the problem was, and those things were always put to rest & at peace while we were getting high and drinking every time we saw each other. That is what I thought we were doing together and I felt this calm and peace with how it was and I saw the value in the relationship, but now I see what that really was. It’s harder to command or appreciate without those things, because I saw it when we were laughing and doing these things together. Now there’s this tangled mess in my head that was revealed after we dropped the act and I have to sit here and solve it. Pleasant surprise, we could be at peace together and not need to worry about these other things, but now I pleasurably will solve this problem with this unstoppable mindset I have that I can’t get over.

I really like the fact that there’s all these problems in my head that I never had to deal with before. It’s like I would be relaxed in all these moments with this mindset that I could set these things aside with, loving what music was playing and laughing or smiling because I like what we’re talking about, all those times we got drunk or high (usually both). I like that these things come up and I put myself in this position where I can just sit there and untangle things now though, and every time I do there’s another thing to say that represents a problem and Matt has to figure out why, or learn to deal with it. We have to verbalize all these problems and he sometimes doesn’t get it but there’s these other times where I’m silent now. I give him one worded answers and think about how I never once believed in expectations. I blogged about that once a couple years ago on my other blog and after that I dropped the act and decided to never expect anything from a person ever again. I don’t even put any expectations upon myself despite what these things are supposed to look like with my boyfriend, or with my mom living at home, or the ‘requirements’ of my outpatient treatment (because all these rules I do follow). The difference between what I’m supposed to do and what is happening in my head is that I express myself based on this thread that I follow through my life and I know what things are supposed to look like, but then I find these knots in the thread and spend a little time explaining myself and how I feel. I don’t do drugs or drink alcohol at all anymore and I feel this drive and euphoria all the time now and I find all these problems sooner and then distance myself from people and come back with all these things I think and feel that I never would’ve found without how I’m living in my life now. I see why I’m in this relationship and living situation without my dad. I have these things to say though and they sometimes turn into these boundaries and things that I try to express to these people in my life. All I have is my family and Matt, my boyfriend, and no friends or anything like that. How it looks with my dad though, is I will get into these escalated states where I just start explaining all about how I feel (personally), describing regret and whatever else I’m struggling with at the moment. I send these long texts explaining where I’m at and it’s only once ever been about Matt and I have to express that it’s about ME personally, and he really gets it. He tells me it’s going to be okay and gives me all these tools and reasons that I should relax about it and it’s things I finally get to in life when I look around my room and describe how I feel about everything I see and try to grasp this understanding of why I’d get to that point and pour out my soul to him. My dad has been there the most for me my whole life, taking care of me and reassuring me every single time I came to him with something. I will appreciate and love him the most for a long time with how much he does for me, even though we’re in this situation together where he lives somewhere else and all I can do is text him. Matt would never really understand anything of what I say to my dad, nor does he need to. My conversations with him are usually these back and forths where he says he feels like shit about something when it’s because of my relationship with myself and these things I feel that make me want to pull back on him, as I keep telling him I’m just working on myself and I need the space I ask for. He might one day get it but I really doubt that, he’s just waiting for me to come back with affection and say I love him in a way that what I do for/with him isn’t enough for him. Well it’s not going to be for a while, because he doesn’t get the fact that all these things came out of me when I dropped the substances and started working on these threads, deciding to run one through my brain and complete that cycle to get over these problems personally, expressing what I need to to solve this problem which is who knows how old! These problems are plentiful but I can go through them as much as I want and work slowly to put it into play and do my best to understand myself and this place in my life where I can finally accomplish something from all these problems. My dad might actually get it, I usually will send him these texts all about how I feel in one moment and then he’ll respond to me and I suddenly make this sharp turn and start saying how grateful I am for things and myself, expressing all this appreciation all the sudden. He really gets that too, and is passionate like me about what’s going on and I feel this wave that really helps me out of it and I just say I love my life and I’m glad I’m here. Once it gets to that point we really get it and that’s all I really needed that time. With Matt though it’s like I keep explaining that it’s about me and he comes back with how it makes him feel, which is usually not something that helps me out, it just makes me feel like he’ll never get it until I’m fully out of it. That will take a while, but I really get why we’re all here together saying what we do.

I really appreciate the connections I make in my life, with people or with things around me that I love and get to create this understanding for. Even with music for example, I’ll hear a song and put it into place in my life and I just really feel it and love what it does every time I play it in these different situations. I’m the kind of person who can relate everything around me to myself and make it really do something for me. I have this continuation of feeling throughout the day and I’ll have these things like regret or whatever pop up and run through me like this sudden emotion where I feel like I’ve done something stupid or something, but it all makes so much sense with what I feel and why it’s happening. All these good things are there for me and make me feel certain ways but then there’s these things that stress me out or anger me in a moment and it’s all I can think about. I find ways to diffuse it and things like that with logic, but there are so many things that happen with me and I get it but I need to learn that life isn’t about all the things that get to me, but more like what I can do with every tool I have and how I apply myself to things in my life to get to another point. There’s so much that I do that I appreciate or think about and I want and try to express it to people around me, but ultimately I can process it better if I just run it through my brain and teach myself to get it better. I understand what happens to me and why I suddenly get up and progress all the sudden with different things, but it’s hard to balance myself out too well when I find one knot in there that I can’t untangle yet. Like, of course I’d hit a point that I can’t get past a day after I exceled and got so much out of my system, but the ways these things work I can’t always get over things right away to get back to that state of progression. I see it like that and I get it, but I can also dismiss what I have to and get back to all these things that I need to work on for myself. I feel regret and have discussed it a lot with my dad, but as confusing as it is that I see myself accomplishing so much it’s only day-to-day as much as I can with these other times where I forget something or do something stupid and freak out a little bit inside as I see an opportunity I missed or stupidly do one thing that ties to the next thing and I just wonder why I haven’t been able to post on my other blog in a while. I said next week I’d do it but every day I’m busy with these meetings and each day that I get something done I get to the next day and do about as much as I can but don’t even try to blog. It’s not something that I need to do all the time but it’s something that I should’ve done and it doesn’t bother me until these key points where I see that I’m not doing everything I can in a day other than as much as I generally do. These are problems and tangles in my everyday life and nobody can take that from me to fix it for me, I just regret a stupid thing and learn to handle it like my dad. He really gets it actually, even though I believe my dreams and apply them to myself in these states that I love where I am and I get it. I love dreaming and I do it every single night, and I just really get why I’m my dad’s daughter loving where I’m at all the time and explaining that to him too. I’ll always do my best to explain things to myself and him, and he really gets all these things about myself. I really love these points where we intersect and he gets something about what I say and goes on to think about how he can help me, where I sit here thinking he did the most in the world to be there for me and I again make this sharp turn where I tell him I love my fucking life and I go back to working on myself and untying all the problems slowly as I really love a moment with whatever song is playing, and I get it. I understand myself, I put everything down and relax, focusing on one slow steady thing and feel this peace I know to feel. I get into these states of love & gratitude and I think it’s because of all my different mindsets and I just know he sees where I’m at and appreciates all these things I do for myself, and he’d never know how much this helps me but I just took a sharp turn in this post and now I just want it to be clear that I feel all of this and I couldn’t be doing better than so many of my moments. I have everything and a good idea of where I’m at or going and that’s better than I thought when I was still struggling, earlier this year, trying to do it all without this state of consciousness that I’m starting to catch now in different moments. I really did everything so obviously to get to this point, and now I’m sure I have the best idea of what to do now/next. Every single day of my life to the next, not needing as much as I thought to feel these things.

I’m really at a point in my life where I’m getting past everything that has happened and putting myself in this place where everything happens slowly, and I actually see why I’m finally addressing everything and getting to the part where I am doing better than I usually was. So many different times in my life I’ve restarted or started over in a place where I change everything and see where I’m at and love it. There are so many reasons I’m good at seeing these things around me and pulling myself out of different states and places or hitting this peak that I definitely needed. There are so many things in my life that are finally put into play and I appreciate what I get to do now with all of it. What’s next is to take all my creative energy that I’ve been using to wear all these clothes I haven’t worn in a while, going to these meetings in these skirts and shit that I’ve missed so much. Earlier this year (or in like the middle) all I wore was sweats without makeup, not having much to do at home, but now I have something to do 5 times a week for IOP (outpatient treatment) and so I wear all these clothes I’ve missed or forgot about, and it’s this best feeling that I’m getting closer to what I really need to express with these outfits (like posting them on Shop For Days!) and I know this is what I definitely needed. I keep making piles of clothes I haven’t worn in a while and just got rid of this huge bag of clothes, and I’ve filled up this storage container in the bathroom with even more clothes to get rid of. I love that feeling, I’m finally done with so much of it and now I see what I have and what I want pretty well. I know what to do with all of this, and it’s awesome. I also do my makeup like every single day now, and I have like every day in a row for 3 weeks now! I’ve had something to do or some place to go every day for 3 weeks straight now and I just love getting out of the house like that. I have all this time and energy to get all of that done and I love what I’ve been doing with it. One of my favorite things every day is using my makeup that I’m running out of, like products I’ve hit pan on already or that are almost out in general. Makes me feel like I’m utilizing things and going through things until I’m out of those products and have other ones I get to use up and hit pan on eventually too. Not to mention how much lipstick I have, and I love it all so much! So many of my products are like that and I just love it. I love that I finally use lipstick every single day again, and I’m finally going through all of it. I also love wearing lipstick the most out of everything these days, and I have so much of it to go through. These are all things that I really love with all my heart, and narrowing down my closet is pretty rad too. I even wear heels like more than half of the time too, with all these outfits, so that’s cool because it’s been a long time since I wore my heels this much. Eventually I have to get rid of some of them but not yet because of how perfectly my shoes fit in my closet right now. That’s actually one of my most interesting problems actually, there’s some stuff I don’t want to run out of or get rid of yet because of how perfectly everything fits and is displayed right now in my room, so I really get why I hang on to some of these things. I’ll move one thing and see that there’s this empty space and it ruins how things look and I just wonder why I had the perfect amount of everything for so long if taking things away is really going to leave all this space that makes no sense. I get why I have what I have though, all those years I spent getting things and getting rid of them, and I just want to appreciate all that I have and it makes sense. I get into these moods sometimes where I analyze my room and I love it but it’s also very interesting to me. I’ve made a bunch of changes in my life or decided I don’t need certain things so we’ll see where that gets in me in life, and I know it’ll affect me and maybe I’ll eventually find some way to pour that out into my other blog or something. Every spot in my room is perfect but as I go through things I have to come up with these new ideas or just let these spots open up as I don’t buy more just to fill them. I spend so much time in my room and I love when I get into these types of moods where I talk about all of this but it’s a little superficial, but I do understand quantity and how everything I bought over time filled up my room perfectly to the brim where I can’t get rid of some things until other things happen. Although I just spend some of my time listening to music and I feel all these things as I just stare at spaces in my room, but that’s when I start really understanding where I’m at right now. There will be so many photoshoots in my room and they’re all different but for right now I just really see where I’m at and I want these superficial issues and associations with my room as I grow up. In another one of my posts I mentioned how I have not been 22 for very long, but now I only have 3 months until I’m 23 and I really get what I’m doing with all of this. I really understand why all these paragraphs are these different threads or something, explaining where I’m at with each thing as this is all just stuff that I think about every day, switching up whichever one and spending the day going through it, putting myself in these positions where I dig through every different thing and eventually make these sharp turns where I switch my mindset and end all of it in this state that describes all the rest of the ends of it all, and I see why sometimes these things cause issues in my life or are just presented in a way that I understand with myself in all these ways, and I get why I’m here dealing with whatever at a time. This was all as much as I could’ve expressed to get myself through an entire thread for like each of these paragraphs, but I really see why it’s all a little more than just that. A lot of what’s going on with me digs deeper and I know the people in my life see how I’m doing and probably notice I’m going somewhere with all of this, but even when I’m just sitting there in my head trying to think through something it might seem like I’m withdrawn, and I hope that’s not misconstrued. I know what I’m going through and relaxing and letting myself think through it is usually my favorite thing to do, and then people ask me questions about some other thing I wasn’t thinking of and then it’s like I have to pull something out of a different part of my head to answer the question. I can do both things with what’s on hand for all that I think about but I just love going through these problems as I’m always addressing things and applying the better things to myself in this way that gets me through everything in the best way. I have so much to express and explain about myself all the time but it’s harder to do this with people so I’m really glad I pushed myself to write all of this. Now I have like 3 more things to do tonight so we’ll see how it goes, I have so many more reasons to get excited about things now and I get to go do all these things all the time and eventually I’ll even speak more at these NA meetings, but for now I have like the weirdest threads going on in my head to do with my drug use and I explained all of it the best I could, but it’s still nowhere near presentable. We’ll see what I can do with this eventually, with the IOP meetings we usually just work on these workbooks with self-reflective questions, but I already finished that 80 page workbook even though the class is on page 16. And then I have nothing to say myself at the other meetings but I keep wishing I could express something there, and I’ll get to that, but for now we’ll see how far I get with working through the rest in my head. I really have everything I need and get to do all these things in my life everyday and use what I have to love my life, and that’s plenty of enough. I guess I also have these goals though and I can’t wait to put myself in these better lights and positions to get things better out of my system but I have to be patient and passionate every day in a way that I can every time I find those opportunities. I’m excited to keep pushing myself further through all of this and I think I’m doing incredibly right now. I didn’t think I could feel this good but I really understand this year now, and it might eventually be better but different than it was but we’ll see how, because I have so many good ideas for these days. I really appreciate where I’m at and we’ll see where else I go with this as I progress with all I’m going through in my life!