What a way to feel these days. I feel stifled, it’s a lot different than my last blog post on here. I was feeling right, and I had things going on. Now it’s like I never have anything to do, so I just listen to music and lay in my bed all day. What a way to be, waiting for the next thing to happen for me. Leaving the house is my best chance at a break, where in a car I feel way less anxious and can focus on what’s in front of me. In my room at home I feel aimless for the first time in a long time, and I keep feeling like I need to recalibrate. Find something that serves me and do it at home, but who knows. Maybe it’s because my dad is having car troubles, so I don’t get to workout a few times a week like I got used to this spring. That was a really good thing we had going for us, and right after we get this show back onto the road we’ll be back to working out. It sure helps me cope, something to grasp, and more than just a task. Something to do to strengthen my mind & body. This week we should have the car fixed, so maybe I’ll get back to that. I have this driving force inside of me that is constantly pushing, and I usually direct it into the sunlight. The sunshine sure seems to help me, it’s a warmth but also a color to me. I sure see color a lot, and pretty well. Color and light are a huge part of what my brain is driven for. It’s like I understand these concepts and have all these tools but then I’m stuck in my bed with nothing to do. I don’t always feel like writing, you know, but I still post on Shop For Days a couple times a month. I took a break from photoshooting for a while to let my skin heal so that was even less to do for this month, in terms of tasks I usually have at hand. Plus my sense of style is stale, but I keep coming up with things to shoot anyway. So that’s pretty interesting, take the best outfits you have and create something with them. I’ve been blogging hard for 6+ years now, and I can’t believe how far I’ve gotten. It’s rarely ever the same things a bunch of times, it’s always something fresh. Like a way to wake up, having something to create that is entirely yours. I guess that’s why modeling never served me as a writer, or a good one at least, because I’m better doing it myself. I’m more than just a blogger, I’m a collector! Which is kind of funny actually, but eventually my whole merchandise collection will be the entity celebritymerchbase.com, the third part of where & what I write. I rarely ever get to posting old merch photoshoots but I still work on it sometimes. So now, when I have none of that to do, I just listen to this music that ignites me, or watch something I’m passionate about (like BoJack Horseman).
I’m not stuck, actually, rather I’m shifting. I think I’m preparing myself to handle having nothing to do, for when I grow up and have everything going for me. Everything goin’ on, even. I find light even in a struggle, and I can focus on it, make it grow and dance. Concerts were a passion of mine for a long time, but I still haven’t gotten that fourth blog up for that. We’ll see when I get back my concert list from an old phone of mine. But now in 2021 there are no concerts going on. Plus the entire 2020 I didn’t go to a single show, so it has been a while since that pleasure. Concerts are literally my favorite thing in the whole world. It totally ties in with me completely. At least there’s a page on Shop For Days for my concerts, called my Concert Almanac. So this just ties right into the nothing to do problem at hand, because that’s not an option right now. Interestingly enough I’ve been to so many concerts (62) and so many of them alone (and at least I got merch sometimes!) and I can handle that like I’m a crowd. I used to dance on a stage, growing up from like ages 4-13, with all the lights and the audience. I think I’m a natural performer, and I have been the whole time. But blogging is center of attention alone in my room kind of thing, and it’s even better when it’s me shooting merch. Of course style is a huge part of my life though, and I’ll never quit. I’m back to smoking cigarettes but earlier this year I had quit for a while, and I had a rhythm going in my room, so even when I had nothing to do I would make myself food and think pretty well. StressRelief came out so well honestly, that was a peak for sure. Right before or after something changed but change is constructive, especially with my typical states of mine. I’m dreaming most the time, especially at night, I have the best dreams there are. Then I skip a few nights and try to dream during the day. It’s usually all the same shit, but it keeps me goin’ pretty well. I always have hope, and I have enough for myself most of the time. I just gotta find another passion, maybe vision journals would be the outlet. I’m a little low on inspiration, but I create more every day like fume. Or I have passion that’s like a fuse, always starting and stopping with the flame. Like multiple fuses for different things, like adding old things I missed out on and adding them to my many instagrams. I did that yesterday in fact. And what a photo library. These are the things I think about when I have absolutely nothing to do all day, other than go for a couple drives or something.
When I feel this way, like how I did today, I build up on it. I create a reason, a source, a timeline, or a collection of what I feel and tie it into what I’ve been doing. What I’m up to at the moment that I feel a certain way, and keep a mental note of it. Then I sort them like colors and find that point on the graph. There’s always a point to it, I don’t waste my cognitive function or ability to sort through it. There’s always something to feel, and anticipation just makes sense. I anticipate like I prosper, forward and with care. There’s always a source, and finding it just takes organizing skills. That may be my best skill set of any that I have. My passion for organization, and the act of doing it, and what it takes to keep doing it. Similar things everyday, but I like sorting through my pictures. It reminds me of a lot, and I’m good with time stamps. Around this time in 2019 I was active doing things, but in 2020 I had hardly any pictures taken at all. So I think about and relate a lot to 20 year old me, (being 22 now), with her pretty looking Instagram and bright red hair. My hair will be red again next month, or at least the start of the process for it begins next month. June, huh? That’ll be a good month I’m thinking. I predict change and progress, and I’m not going to forget about that. I see so much in myself that I can either share or decorate with, painting who I am with different colored lights for different combinations of how I feel. Like, for example, Dopamine is important to me, and I’m always trying to further my knowledge there. Cortisol is easy for me, like worrying just enough, or like cycling with a pack of cigarettes. But Dopamine, with the sun shining on me outside, and with the colors I have collecting, it just creates my depth. So many healthy things release these for me, and I understand Serotonin from the ingredient they used to put in Just Chills, lol. Not sure about the link but I do understand the typical daily release of my brain. There’s always something to think about with those three, and I’m so passionate about the ways I feel. Like so many different ways, and combinations like a locker full of tools. I have so many tools to use in my life, like I can write like this!
I really can be like this, and still find a way forward. Still find a point, even when laying down closing my eyes feels pointless. It’s usually when I’m listening to music, but I want my eyes to be open more during the day. Car rides help me cycle through my day healthily, with something to look at in front of me. Anxiety is typical, I feel it the same way everyday. It usually points me towards the same things, making me pace a little in my very pretty room. My room will always be where it’s at, but coming back up to it just to lay down makes me pretty antsy all the time. I can push through that with flying colors once I get every key into the right lock and turn them. I have so many key based jewelry with the best pendants ever, and it’s something I consider a creative collective. Like a beehive, but with less directives! I have to give these things meaning, not to mention creative direction. They’ll make their ways into the right photoshoots, and everything will turn out how it does. I’m not worried, because I’m really good at it, I just am. But sometimes I think I have too much creative energy and not enough regular motivation to use it, which is interesting. I always get back around to something though, even if my life is [creative] consistent. That’s not too bad of a thing, it just gets me into small ruts sometimes, as I pace a little too much in a short period of time. Time is such a factor, I just wait for the days to go by for me. But sometimes I get into these moments that I just love, and I’m excited that it doesn’t just last one increment of time. It lasts as long as I can feel while moving in place. Like my bike at the gym, I don’t even move my whole body but I still release adrenaline. Working out is good for that, and I’ll always be grateful for that wave that washes over me.
So what if I don’t do that much anymore? I still am active enough for what my goals are. Now with goals, I have a bunch of them! Maybe short-term more than long-term though. People are factors too with time though, so patience is a weapon if you can get it right. Utilize everything you have in front of you and then come up with a better reason to keep waiting, or to keep going forward with no direction. I 100% have direction every single day, with everything I decide I do or feel, and I could never lose sight of that. But pushing makes sense, because I don’t really have much left for my vision journals, so I keep getting jealous of my old pages, wishing I could just do something similar! But not having enough stickers (or clippings) is temporary, and maybe I have more stashed somewhere. I’ll get around to it, there’s nothing better to do anyway. So I try with it and am usually at least satisfied with how it turns out, if not excited. When I’m excited about something I’ve created, I can’t find enough ways to express it online. Vision journals I don’t really blog or post about, but I’ll find a way to get those out of my system one day. It’s a good thing to keep stashed in the back though, as something to show for myself. Something I could do for myself, and creatively express it with myself in ways I understand already. I have so many platforms for what I do, I just wished I had more motivation for my old work. It just wouldn’t be seen in the way I need to be seen, but of course it used to. Time is funny like that, I post old things but they’re usually from 2019. What an interesting person I was, I see now that I’m better than that. But only with the steps I have taken and what never set me back, which is everything creative I’ve ever done. It only pushes me forward, even if I like the old shit better than the new shit sometimes. That’s part of growing up, or being an adult who is this young. At this age I’d say I’m not hard on myself, and I use my past as a tool to growing. Like as if I knew everything I could’ve, and still know better now to put some of what I feel to work. Regret is weird for me, but I’ll find everything I’ve lost if not something better. And if that is not true I’ll have to write about it, like that one perfume post. And if this is the best I can do right now, and it’s really this good, then there’s nothing more I need to be for myself. That’s about it, I’ve got it handled right now! Whatever really is left on my back, or still on my chest, I’ll know how to get it out – maybe turn it into something beautiful again. Because I really already have done it justice. Last post was better than how I’m feeling this time, but I got both posts up. What a direction I’m moving in!
PS. The picture that I chose is a crying picture from May 2019, and wow, I rarely ever cry anymore. Last time I really cried was in 2020, but this rang true as a two years ago today. Full on red hair and stuff, hardly remember why I was crying, but the way I feel these days sometimes tag-teams with my pasts. I really enjoy how I cycle through my life, and I’ll always find better ways to do it. I’m doing so much better than I was, no matter how it really seems each day. My days don’t matter as much as my tangible, graspable life, and how coincidences can be ideas for people like me. Progress is trackable, and I blog the hell out of my life, always something new.