To brag or to complain? To accentuate people’s jealousy or to create it for myself? Who even am I to create or condone emotions unto others? I’ll tell ya who, I’m ME. And guess what that means? It means that my life is a creamy latte and as I walk from one side to the other there’s a little trail/streak behind. I walk across length wise, then I walk across diagonally, and eventually I walk enough to have created some sort of picture on the top of the decadent beverage. You know, those little lattes with the hearts or even intricate pictures on the top? I’ve always thought that those looked incredibly complicated, but now I understand that that’s the picture of the path I’m gracing. (God knows I still have no clue how they do that, it’s probably magic, but me walking across lattes seems pretty plausible). As I take even my first step, the rich coffee drags across the milky sky, and so I walk seeing only cream ahead along with seeing the waves of cream curl away from me. I take a step and it not only creates a whole new path ahead of me, but it makes the white fold outwards to the sides of me, lots of things on both my left and right side, but no matter what happens, no matter how many people stir my latte around, I will never again be the latte with a clear sky. So many different things could happen, I could even get flung into a frappucino, but you know what? I don’t live everyday knowing what lies ahead, but I do have memories in a lot of different forms, and that’s what I truly know. The only thing I can completely be sure of is that there’s no possible way to be sure about anything. You may think a lot of things are plausible but not selectively possible, but you know what? Anything is possible. A giant spaceship full of cotton candy of a shade I’ve never even seen before could crash into my house, and a bunch of giant rats could run out and defecate on my lawn while lecturing me on physics in a tongue that can’t even be mimicked by the human tongue. You think I’m batshit crazy? That may be, but I’ve always thought that life was a game, and you don’t even know the rules. It’s like trying to win at the game Life without anyone telling you how to play; that makes it pretty unlikely for you to succeed. Then say they explain the rules with as much knowledge as they have and you very well still could lose, because no matter how positive you are, you may not even know that the rest of the world is just actors all in on this hoax you call life, just studying you. It’s like, everything outside of our humanly limitation is…well, just that: out of our humanly limitation. It’s like if someone was colorblind and couldn’t tell the difference between red and pink, if you show them the 60 different shades from paint chips at Home Depot you probably won’t get an intricate answer. It takes the precision out of it, because you think the number 4 is the number 4 but how do I know that outside my human limits there’s a number that comes before 4? That doesn’t make any sense. But neither does any of the other theories people have about life! After we die it could just be lights out, or we could go to hell, or something else could happen that we PHYSICALLY could NOT UNDERSTAND because we’re actually pretty damn primitive. I mean, my cat is so cute and it’s like she knows how to communicate with me, but give it 1,000 years and see what happens to the cat race. Either they could be extinct, leaving behind only faded trails of dust, or they could even be the prominent race of Earth and be solving algorithms and drinking booze like us 17 year olds do.
Logical thinking is purely to help us understand a more variety of things, and to have a common foundation between peers to make it possible for us to grasp each other’s words. I was going to say “grasp each other’s thoughts” but you know what I remembered? I will never know what someone is thinking, because no matter how much detail they give I can never know their entire 100% background and so it won’t put me in the place that they’re in right now it will put me in the place where I am right now, no matter how many times they explain it. No matter how many demonstrations with sock puppets or lectures using the advanced side of 4 different languages, you will never have any idea what’s in their head. Sure, generally we can act like we all know each other, and that’s fine because as far as human limitation is concerned, our perception is the only thing that’s real, it’s the only way we create these thoughts to begin with. How would you picture something in your head if you were born blind? Someone born blind could be watching the Spiderman movie and picturing some type of interpretation in their head, but why would I assume that it’s like mine? They probably have better hearing or something since they lost a sense and that could make their thoughts very, very different from mine. I don’t even like to think of it, because it makes my head hurt. That’s the same with a lot of people though…so they perceive what’s around them and use labels like “cool” or “pink” or “bipolar” solely to create a universal understanding of similar situations or “vibe”, making it so we all can look at a color and say it’s “pink” but that doesn’t mean it is “pink”. That word doesn’t exist until we put it into fruition, it’s like a little slot machine when someone says a word, because there truly is no “color”. The way our eyes our designed makes us all see things that can loosely be related to words we come up with, but how do we know there isn’t another sense (not sight, not hearing, nothing you are capable of imagining) that is the missing link of what we understand and how fast we teach each other about it? So let me get back to the first few statements of this post: I’m a scorpio, which explains a lot. I am an extremely jealous person by design and I always will envy people who have something that I don’t. That’s also why I work my ass off in every aspect of life. It’s like, say I’m in 1st grade talking to some girl. Maybe she has more Bratz dolls than me. Maybe she has more friends than me. So let’s call her… level 5. And when I see something that I want I work intensely to make it happen/exist, and if I’m jealous of this punkass bitch then one of two things will happen: I will adore them, be jealous, and be inspired to work on myself OR I will despise them, be jealous, and completely pull down their empire, yelling timber like it’s your castle of blocks. This can really damage a person, so they’re bumped down to level 4, meaning they lost a lot of self confidence or something even worse. I’m crafty at this. But they don’t realize that I was level 4.5 and I didn’t want to be the highest level, I just ended up coincidentally getting to a pretty high level just because I work so much on my writing/photoshoots/shopping etc, like I always have. I work on it all so much that I would never even think of buying clothes at Walmart or eating McDonald’s (or any fast food at all) and drugstore makeup…Yuck! I get called “prissy” for being that way but I’m not trying to be treated like Paris Hilton here, I only focus on myself, and I like quality. When I know there’s something better out there that I could possibly be doing/saying/thinking/breathing I always go after it. A lot of times it’s improbable, but I’ve made it to this happy place in this life and I’d say that’s pretty luxurious. It’s more than a lot of people can say. So, yes, I may brag about my good life or my cool material possessions or even just the thoughts that I’m proud of, but that has nothing to do with anyone. It is purely just me being so happy that I’m so high up in life, and I truly talk about it all a lot because I’ve been on my deathbed, so so sick and miserable, so the fact that I’m where I am now is a big deal to me. It means a lot to me. I always tell the sky/the universe/my brain/the empty streets that I’m so incredibly grateful and blessed with all that I have, and no, when I “brag” I don’t even realize I’m “bragging” because from my perspective it’s just a friend telling other friends how they almost died but then had their dreams come true…I mean come on, isn’t that what the Make-A-Wish Foundation is all about?
I love to complain. When something isn’t right I immediately take action to try to fix it… So, sometimes my back will be hurting (like right now geez! I hate this scoliosis) so I sit up and take some tylenol or CBD or something to help. Problem solved. I have chronic nausea and sometimes I get nauseous so I chew a Nauzene tablet, and maybe I’m still nauseous, so I take ondansetron. If my teeth hurt and it’s possible for me to make a dentist appointment, then I do. But what throws me off is the things that I can’t do much about. We owe the dentist a good amount of money so that is stalling my root canals. I complain about my teeth to my dad sometimes. It’s the middle of the night I can’t get a pizza because every good store around here is definitely not serving hot pizza. And I don’t settle, either. I usually avoid frozen food unless it’s organic frozen fruit served in a smoothie. Because I’ve had great pizza before, so why would I put myself through the torture and hassle of eating Digorno? So yeah, I’m hungry and I just wrote about pizza and now I actually do want pizza, and dang that sucks because it really is 11:15 PM… So I’m complaining in my head hardcore, “I’m huuuuungry!!!!” “I don’t want other food I want PIZZA!” and it’s not like I freak out about it, but it either stresses me out or frustrates me or makes me kind of sad… Because if it were daytime and I wanted pizza, I would do a lot of crazy planning and navigating and searching for money etc, until I of course get my pizza. That isn’t called being a spoiled brat, that’s called having $7 saved for food and when there was a carryout special 2 years ago where you could pick up a large pizza for $7, so I guess you could call that strategy.
A lot of rambling, wow.But hey, to wrap things up… I’m sitting here on my bed right now and my back hurts. I’m complaining right now to you guys and I complained to my dad a second ago. But then I took some acetaminophen and now I sit calmer, knowing that I’m going to be saved in just a matter of time. So I lay back and watch cartoons. But wait a minute..I’m hungry! I need to eat something. I’m always complaining about food because it’s pretty hard for me. I could grab a protein shake just to tide me over for now, or I could grab an apple, problem solved, I’ll get those when I finish up this post.
Life truly is a game…you wanted to play, but I’ve already won.
Check mate.
Worry Just Enough 
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