It’s like they want me to fail. It’s like every single person outside of my world is against me, influencing me negatively with every twist and turn. As the roller coaster plunges, someone decides to cut the path ahead and that leads to spinning out, falling over, and probably being very damaged. It’s like all those philosophers talking about life and what it means and why we’re here and what we should do, but the thing is they don’t tell you that it really is all just a game. From my perspective, I see this…My “friends” suddenly wanting nothing to do with me, my “friends” creating rumors about me just for fucks sake; I’ve got my family, I’ve got my girl, but there is a strong reason why I consistently drop all my friends at the beginning of every era. It’s like wanting to start fresh. Start fresh with a new batch of people who will twist my words and end up betraying me. But that’s when I move on. It still hurts because I’m a kind of person who loves very very deeply, but I’m always better off alone.
I have control over myself (to a certain degree). That is one constant variable. The manipulating variables can sometimes be tricky because sometimes I don’t realize the alteration. Sometimes smoking pot makes you buy 2 boxes of cereal, a dozen donuts, 20 mini cookies, hot fudge sundae poptarts, 2 packs of gum, a grape soda, junior mints, andes mint things…. Yeah that was all in one night. I woke up and saw all that and felt the pain in my stomach throughout the day and it makes me shake my head, because it’s like this isn’t even a part of me but it becomes a part of me when it enters my life. And I allow it to enter my life. I get depressed and then I fix it by eating tons and tons of sugar until I’m in pain, and then I cry because things start happening to my body that I can’t control. I get a little muffin top sometimes that comes and goes, I try not to give a crap but sometimes I do. It doesn’t matter how I feel about that though because I know I can make my body fit my standards when I take my time on it. You see, my standards have nothing to do with regretting the 4 pizzas I ate this week. My standards include this:
I wash my hair with color safe shampoo. I condition my hair with volumizing conitioner and use an alligator clip to pin it up and let it sit. I wash my face with a foaming cleanser. I shave my legs. I exfoliate my entire body with an organic exfoliator, taking a lot of time, especially with my legs. Then I exfoliate my face with a gentle organic exfoliating cream. Then I wash my body with aromatherapy PH balancing organic body wash. I use my prescription benzoyl-peroxide gel on my shoulders and then on my face. I rinse my body, I rinse my hair, I rinse my face. You think I’m done? Nope. Not even close. I then use my organic body oil and massage it into every part of my skin, taking my time. Then I scrub my teeth for a very long time. I spray my face with an organic toner. I moistuize my face with organic moisturizer. I use my prescription retin-A cream on my shoulders. I get into my room and pin my hair up again (the retin-A can bleach things and I never want to risk that with my hair). I moistuize my entire body with an organic body lotion. I use my clinical strength deodorant. And then I use my scar gel on my scars. Lastly, I use my fingers to gently part my hair, then let it air dry after getting dressed.
BUT GUESS WHAT? That’s still not enough for me. It’s reaching a standard I guess, but it’s not exceeding standards. I could do better so why am I not? Why is it so hard to satisfy myself with all these rules and regulations? It’s funny because my skin routine isn’t even half of my anal tendencies. Once a week or even more often, I make my bed right before I get in the shower. I come back, sit on my bed after being scrubbed clean and after washing my sheets and after putting on clean clothes, yet I’m still sitting here, anxious because I know there’s bacteria/dirt/unwanted debris everywhere.
So yeah, I have problems with friends, but I mostly focus on myself. Not in a conceited way, but in a way that I do yoga until my body physically can’t take anymore just because I’m insecure about a lot of things (don’t really give a crap about my muffin top but there are so many other things I need to fix) and I realized today that that isn’t healthy. I’m so incredibly grateful for all that I have, I know I have a lot of luxuries. I know that I’m here complaining about my back and there are people with no clean water. Well regardless of the world’s water status, my back still fucking hurts. I have a lot of issues and the reason I complain is because I know there are ways to fix those things. So I’ll say “Oh my teeth hurt so bad” and someone’s like “Go to the dentist” and I’m like “Wtf I have a root canal appointment in 2 days do you really think it would have just now dawned on me that I should seek help?” Like !!!! I’m not dumb! Just because I’m in pain doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I’m brilliant. Every single soul, every single object, every single molecule on this earth is vitally important with what it does. The tree outside my window is just as important as me. So yes, I complain about friends, I complain about how I’m not good enough for myself, but at the end of the day I find peace in knowing I’m doing the right thing for the universe just by being who I am and existing each and every day. Maybe I do things that annoy people, maybe I do things that people would scold, maybe I really need to see a chiropractor wow my back hurts so bad (don’t worry I’m going to), but no matter what, I’m me, and that is my superpower. Nobody else has the impact that I have. Good, bad, stupid, brilliant, I leave a lot of footprints. So…Go ahead, call me a spoiled brat, call me whatever you want, but you’ll never find someone more aware/grateful for the universe than I am. (Not even the universe. Just everything. Time, space, everything that our human brains could never comprehend. I believe in all of it and it brings me peace). It’s like living in Arizona and then coming to the more peaceful side of Seattle — take a deep breath and wow that air is so pure and graceful, and with every breath I take, I am so grateful to be given this consciousness and these profound thoughts. Everything that happens is like a breath of fresh air. So take a deep breath, sit down, and be. Just be.