I’ve really gotten to know myself through writing and my creative expressions. I spent a lot of last year getting things done and journaling (with getting things up on my blogs) and I love what it tells and shows about me. In this new year I have some goals and aspects I want to touch up on as I go, to really get to focus on myself but get more done as well. I like where I’m going with things, even if certain aspects randomly seem harder for me to deal with. Once I sit down and get to write I start to see way more of myself surface, so I just need to get myself to all those points on the spectrum and it helps me express what I need to. I might seem like a lot of the same things sometimes, but even on my other blog (Shop For Days) starting this year I’ve felt something creatively in my shoots that I’ve been working on that I was surprised I could represent. We’ll see how the second post for this month goes on there once I post it later this month, but that’s just one of the things that I have that I can express myself with. I’m also really grateful for this blog, Worry Just Enough, but I do see how it is to post periodically even when I wish it was more often, but I really see what I was able to get out with those last couple of blog posts of mine. Maybe I can write on here more consistently but I’m not even sure when it comes to journaling and stuff too. It can be similar writing that I have in my journals sometimes, but not too much of the same shit. I’ll get back to more creative writing eventually, but right now I’m just better at other things and trying to find my mind back to a track that I miss too. I have a bunch of these categories which I refer back to when I’m organizing my list of talents and things like that, but when I see myself drift away from certain areas I want to notice it enough to see why, knowing that I can’t be perfect at everything at one time. I have to put in work in myself mentally, and see where my thought leads to. I see why I can love my photoshoots at one point but really be missing a certain connection with myself in different areas of writing. I really do like to notice in what areas I’m good at once and when, but I also get why I don’t constantly post on here. I wished I would’ve at one point but then at another point, I actually understood the kind of break I was giving myself emotionally, and then cut myself some slack and remembered what I had in terms of significance on this blog. I can’t overdo any of it, and I really hope I never do, but I doubt I’d ever get to that point. I really see myself on here and I think I do it perfectly sometimes!
I love getting to these certain points of life where I really see everything come together. A lot of times it’s my mindset, or a good example of something through writing or talking with people. I don’t have that much to say these days but I can be listening to people at a meeting and really end up liking something I hear a certain time. With also relating things way better by a lot to myself than how I ever used to feel at a meeting, and seeing that it could just be the timing after all the progress I made with liking those settings. I’ve been to enough of them these days that I know myself better with the environments, not needing to talk as much as just listening better. I like getting to see things better around me and knowing myself well enough to make the connections better. I’ll get back to journaling more, I caught up on all my pages but I feel like if I just keep letting my surroundings make more sense to me then eventually I’ll relate it to a page in a journal, or to myself enough to express on here or something. I get timing and I think that has a lot to do with a lot of things, once I take into account my progression over the last 3-6 months and where I’ve gotten to after all of that. Now that it’s a new year and a new post, I can really pull myself into these new mindsets and figure myself out in persistence from where I had gotten to in life. I need to push myself in some areas and rest my brain in others, and I know where to go from here really. I’m pretty glad about where I’m at, I see a lot of things changing around me and I just want to strengthen certain connections I have and cover new ground in other areas. I know exactly what I really want to get to in life, but it’s interesting what I see from this point in time. Sometimes things are a little intimidating when I see that I have mostly everything I want, and then I worry just a tad bit about what could happen after I’m done in my program. I doubt I’d ever give up all the time and everything from what I’ve earned with IOP, but I just see my life sometimes and wonder where I’ll get to once I’m free to drink again. Maybe it’ll go super well, but eventuality in time can be interesting to think of, because what else do I really have? To be there for me or to stop me? I still have half a year though so maybe I’ll strengthen my will more with time. I really love persisting with all my heart, moving forward every day with these goals in tact that will usually save me from thinking too far into the future. Like expecting a problem to arise eventually, and not really being able to think myself out of it other than just dropping the subject off my mind. I can prepare myself more as I go though, knowing that I really don’t have to worry about anything for such a long time, but I’ve thought that not being scared would help me before. Even things like quitting cigarettes can be hard for me, because I just smoke them at meetings but I just STILL do. That is hard on me sometimes! Cutting myself some slack though helps the most sometimes, which is interesting, but I can’t beat myself up over anything really. I just can’t believe I still rock the boat with my different addictions (like cigarettes and sugar!) but I’ll work myself out of it eventually and then it’ll be easier.
Sometimes I have these good ideas for my writing or blogging or whatever, and it just comes at me out of nowhere. It’s different with Worry Just Enough though, because the ideas usually come just from sitting down and trying to write anything really. It’s like, never really mentally prepared, but my ideas for Shop For Days have come from writing pretty much anywhere. Just in journals, too sometimes, but I love that! It’s crazy though because I never really know what ideas I really have in my head until I make the effort to sit down and write, like I can’t predict very well when I have these good ideas rolling around, I just have to decide when to try. Today was a fine day to sit down and write, because I didn’t have an IOP meeting tonight (I’m switching to once a month for those meetings!), different than an NA one. It’s also been a while since I wrote on here, but I thought after relaxing on the topic I could finally find something to write about tonight. Not too bad of timing in terms of what I can come up with, I think this post is doing just fine actually. I’m excited to see what comes next with my writing, but for now I’m just grateful about the points I’ve made and gotten to on here and everywhere else. I could just keep finding ways to keep going and doing more, on my blogs and everything, while still writing in journals and watching myself say all these different things at different times that I can refer back to to tell myself something. I might have spent a more time journaling in the fall time, but it is a new year and I will remember to light my candles! That is a metaphor for finding the perfect time to get some writing in, to keep the frequencies up of how often I get to journal or post. I used to forget to light my Dreams candle at around 7-8PM and so then I wouldn’t have the chance to light it that day, and then I have like two more winter candles from way back in the day that I need to burn a certain amount this year! So when I’m laying there doing nothing I will remember to get up and write, and that’ll be perfect for consistency. Also persistence, because I’m getting to somewhere with writing and I don’t want to fall behind and forget to try forward. I’ve got my ideas though and I’ll just keep moving forward! I know I can wow myself eventually too. Like I’ve stated a little bit, I did surprise myself a little bit creatively with the couple of shoots I did this month, and this post in itself did better than I thought it was going to do at first, but we’ll see where I go from here! There are still some things I would love to express more in my life on these blogs, but I have to work myself into it and move towards it from where I am, knowing I got to this point on purpose for a part in life, and I can’t overshadow anything quickly because it’s important that I’m right here in life. I can find vitality in a lot of things I choose to focus on in life, even without trying sometimes, just seeing where life really takes me. Sometimes it’s so important that I tried for it, other times it’s a given and it’s hard for me to get out of here even if it seems like it’s a good thing. Like something that can just be there for me like a crutch but it holds me back from other extremes, and I see why but I just need to find my serenity and give up everything that is secretly eating at me, pretending to be the good guy. That’s just crazy sometimes, that I think it’s okay to keep moving forward with anything that is too often or too hidden to be doing any good for me. I just really see why I sleep too much but that is so important to me sometimes, and I can’t explain why! Not too mention my dreams, I fucking love my dreams. It’s just crazy that I fall back asleep in the mornings and then dream, it is so much cooler than I can express. Whatever, that’s the only good positive one that I love, except for maybe Sugar Free Red Bull. Those are my two favorites of things that seem like they’re good in certain doses, but I am certainty good at dosing with that. I just am so done with nicotine sometimes!
Life sometimes seems so perfect for me, usually because of timing. Aside though, from the exterior, making it look like the porch turned out perfect, there is so much content on the inside that goes with it that is harder to digest sometimes. I love how perfect life is, with how everything falls so neatly into these lines, showing me different things about how I can think of it, but I also really love balance and the negatives are also so present in the neatly folded laundry. I love that I know both so well, like as if I really know what to do with all of that information. I’m usually surprised to even find so much of it on the surface, but there’s a lot to the insides too that just make it make more sense to someone like me. I really love the way I see things sometimes, and it is rarely ever scary too, it just could be sometimes. I would just hate to have things fall apart, but I put in so much effort in so many different aspects of my life that I can’t even see that happen. I can theorize a way (or two) for life to turn around and bite me in the ass, but that’s usually with what I refer to as additives in life, not negatives, if that makes any sense. Life can’t turn around and take anything away from me, I barely have anything sometimes. I’m really grateful for all of it, especially all my bunches of material objects that I collect in my room, but I’m so past wanting to buy anything more, everything fits perfectly as is anyway. I just haven’t went out to really buy anything in a while, I just think I wear the wrong lipstick sometimes and that’s the worst that can happen from having so much. I have lived a lot of life to get to 23, and I really see my way towards the future from here. I know my way out of every bad thing I fall into, but sometimes it’s a little harder than it used to be. Like every problem being this new issue that arises, but having been through so much that it’s just a different way to word the same shit I already know with all my heart. I feel like I know so much about myself and understand my way out of so many things, because for some reason I’ve always thought that understanding me was the smartest thing I could have decided upon for who I am. It just works in so many aspects of life, I just see why certain problems arise and demand a certain reaction from me. I totally get each reaction and why that problem was the only one that happened that time, because of course I needed to feel like that! It just makes sense for how we can sort our life’s or shuffle our decks. That’s something I get, outside of just myself, but I could totally relate that to myself (or life) if I needed to. I really see why I am where I am and can pursue whatever I need to as I move forward, even meeting other people that can teach me something pretty quick (about life or myself). I love situations like that, it really makes sense to me that there are other people in life that can be there for you or supplement you in a situation or aspect of life that I could fall into. I’m really glad about who I am to other people to, and I love the person I’ve turned into in the last 6 months. I’ll always be glad about pushing myself forward and cutting myself slack where I’ve needed to. I’m always going to be persisting forward and we’ll see what I eventually get to. Thank you so much for reading this one, good night!