Productivity

It used to be hard to view my life in certain ways that told me I was doing exactly enough. I always pushed to get as much done as I wanted to feel like I was at that point of productivity, but then it became this year and I started doing so much more and now I see why it was ever hard to achieve this much. Even just how easy it was, once I found a bunch of extra pictures in a box on my shelf, to sit down and work a bunch on my vision journals – finally finishing some pages near the beginning that had all these white spaces that I finally got to. I had started both of these vision journals at my dad’s old apartment in 2019, while still working on the first one I had ever gotten from Elightening in a Box. I eventually finished that one basically that year, with only one or two more pages finished in 2020, otherwise it would’ve just been perfectly 2019. Then I had this glittery one in which I ended up accomplishing a bunch in, getting like 40ish pages done by now. The other one I had, both the same size and everything, says ‘This is My Year’ on the front of it and I had started it rudimentarily with white spaces showing in a bunch of the pages of the beginning. I really love working on these though, I was really getting into my regular journals for a while near the end of last year but then I found those pictures and just really was determined in these picture journals and I’m excited to see what more I get to do in those. I just really see where I’m at in life now, still going to concerts all the time as well as Narcotic’s Anonymous meetings. Of course also working on my blogs as much as I can, everything working out pretty well with how I’ve been formatting my photoshoots and everything (meaning matching up my timing with the outfits and everything and modeling for my camera as well!). I’m really good at that too, like also whatever time I decided to work on my vision journals as well because those turned out so perfect and I was glad I was so good at it for some reason. So finally I’m at a place where I feel like I’m pushing enough to conveniently be doing all these things in front of me, everything kind of working around each other to help me out in my life. I’ll see how things keep continuing to go, I’m finally quitting cigarettes this week (like yesterday) so I really think something’s going to change in my brain finally with how that’ll go, because I had not even had a break from nicotine in a long time, even after quitting everything else! This’ll be good though, I just see so much good happening and more on the other side of this time table, we’ll see how the rest works itself out as I go. Not much has changed other than that, I’m just glad I have more to do with myself these days and everything, I think it totally worked out to not be hard on myself really. We’ll see how things go next month as well, I’ll keep things going!

My favorite way to write most the time is hard to get into the mindset of sometimes. I have this part of my spirituality that I used to vibe really well with, with making everything metaphorical and just full of a meaning you could infer from a lot of what it had to say. It’s hard to describe, but I know that a lot of that will come back eventually, just thinking I can bring it out whenever I write or more like I’ll know it when I see it when journaling or whatever. I’ve had paragraphs or sentences that were really good with it over the last few months, but it’s really hard to just get into that and start expressing everything like that again. I still really like where I’m at and my mindsets that I use these days and stuff but I really see my old writing and want that back sometimes. These days though, it’s sometimes hard to come up with anything to say, like with my boyfriend or at meetings or anything. Then I sit down to write and it’s this type of consciousness that I really get but it lacks luster sometimes, or life or the spirit of dreaming or something. I really see why this has happened to me, and I get the difference between this, Shop For Days, and my journaling but it all sounds the same like frequency in certain parts of life so that’s just obvious. At least I sat down to write today, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say but I’m really glad I’m writing again, so there’s that. This post is just the next one after the last two, but I’m digging the ‘P’ names for all of it, and I think I’m doing well with/past all of that! I’m excited for it all to come back, with some really good post some day, if I keep remembering to get a post up and continue writing. I just really see where I’m at right now, and I’m proud anyway of everything that I’ve been doing. I know I have more in me but I have to find the right way to bring it all to the surface. Maybe it’ll just take time and then eventually something will just come out really well, but at least I’m doing really good with all my visual medians I’ve been working on. That’s pretty much it for today, one of the shortest posts I’ve done in a long time but I hope you got it anyway! I see what’s happening around me, and I’ll figure everything out about where I’m at creatively, and keep on going. Thanks so much for reading!

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