There’s always been a lot to me, through the years growing up. Especially in the last 5 or 6 years, but definitely through my tween years as well. I’ve done so much through my time, a lot online and collecting things as I went. Always building up what I have and growing myself through everything. I found so much in me and wanted to express it the best I could, and writing is a good way to hon my energy and find words that matched how I felt and what I did. I’ve had friends that helped me express different things, with cool interesting people in my life, but these days it’s less about the other people in my life. I take all that I have in me and express it often enough with my writing and things like that, but I really see how I can be so many things in so many ways depending on what I apply myself to. I’m good with understanding people in general and I use that sometimes to understand myself, bringing myself to the surface in different areas and focusing on my different talents and passions and finding more of what’s in me through doing that. I believe everyone has these spectrums we go over as we find new things in our lives, and grow older with it, doing different things or trying something new that tells us so much more we can know personally. Knowing myself is a superpower sometimes, but other times I have these things in me that I try so hard to pinpoint and grab ahold of as I go, finding that little piece interesting like it’s caught on the spectrum or something, but hard to grasp and surface right away. It’s there and it’s in me, and I try to grab my journal and express it with some words. It comes out interestingly, like something I already knew but could never explain until I finally did. Everyone has all their puzzle pieces but they don’t necessarily put that together until a moment or a point in time where they identify that piece finally. I think my puzzle is confusing but I understand it beautifully. I used to totally think I could write in color, each blog post for some reason being another shade as I went and I’ve written so much, even erratically, so I find things in myself better than most people. Then I go back and re-read these things and make these connections with myself with something I connected differently with the first time. It’s really cool to see these colors and patterns and I believe I can complete my puzzle a couple different ways, like maybe I have multiple, like spectrums. There’s so many things people can be or explain or persist with in life and I think passion is the clearest marker of an in-depth person, or relate it to strength or something. A clearly defined person to themselves is pretty powerful, but who else knows this or can see that? That’s always different, and expression ties to that really well of course. It’s never even been about how many people could read my writing or get to know me, but my personal expression and the few people in my life who do know my writing and talk to me everyday, but even when they don’t read everything I write I still persist so much with what’s in me, and I get to know things better and differently so well with getting to write. Especially with how nobody’s ever really read my journals, but that’s always for me, and it’s another really good way I express myself. My journals even sort of have these patterns and persistence within themselves of different things I choose to write about there, and it’s thematic and I love it. Especially about progression, I write differently on every platform but all my writing in general ties into how much I persist and work forward, towards whatever is in me or what I can process clearly as I get things out into words. I really like where I’ve been going with my life, sometimes it’s about recovery and I find myself totally different than I expected to be at this point in time. But I really get that I’m maturing too, and it’s weird because I had everything and now everything’s totally different, but more obvious. I’ve come so far and I’m not even sure why this is so easy, being so sober but better defined, but I love it way more than I ever thought I could. I just understand myself and it’s like my favorite thing. To be understood better than that is interesting but I see how to get there in life and in time. So that’s pretty good for how I can take what I have and make it all connect to each other, explaining everything.
I’m really good at taking my energy and using it when I need it to bring better things out in myself. These days I have less to do but I sit there and listen to my playlists and things and it always works so well with how I’m feeling. I even get into these states where I feel almost stuck, but whether or not it’s something repeating in my head that I can’t find a way out of, or it’s some stubborn nature with how I’m feeling and it’s energy that was built up (that I’ve desperately needed to express), I let it feel like something and put myself into it. I find that rhythm has helped me, like listening to a good song while I try to find my way through one of those tangled knots in my head, and it helps me get through things at some point in time when I’ve so obviously overlooked that before. Like one thing can happen to you in life that explains something with a little feeling of stubborn energy, but I dismissed it before I got the point of feeling that negative energy. Obviously it feels like something but it doesn’t always ride itself out completely because there’s way more to it that I just couldn’t understand yet, until I feel something else eventually. People don’t always realize where this negative energy came from or why it’s happening, but mood and emotion make sense for cycling. Especially with how I used to think people’s brains worked with substance like alcohol or weed, I feel like that masking creates problems for you later, but that’s only because of how cool everything seemed to work for me once I started thinking of it like that. I like figuring out ways to explain things or word them, templating certain concepts and applying them to my life and letting everything work itself out in the fashion I’ve understood like that. Once I feel it enough and learn enough from it, or get enough out of it that I could, I kind of let it go and move onto some other way to explain things for myself. I love how that works, and I’m good at understanding myself in and out of different states like it makes more sense to feel it. I do also understand dismissal though, there are so many things that when I feel it I instantly make this connection and get why it happened. Whether or not it’s because of how I saw it or just exactly what I felt from it, it’s different than when something hits and you don’t get why it looked like that to you, and I just then dismiss it and save it for some other situation that will explain it. Something similar ends up happening that makes sense finally in some formatting that ties to so many other things, and that finally ends up explaining it. I really get why things happen and I love my life with everything in it, but I’m pretty smart with understanding it as a bigger picture and knowing every part of it works itself out. Like laying there in bed and appreciating all these things that make sense to me, but also grabbing some concept I want to understand better and trying to tie it to words. That’s tied to how I sometimes used to just write with one word at a time and ending up with sentences that made way more sense than I would’ve known with just trying to write easy sentences that were obvious to me, but I’ve had so many different writing styles just on this blog alone and I really get why it’s all connected by a timeline but it’s different and makes sense. Even at the point of time where I read my old writing and think it makes no sense, but that doesn’t happen to me much sense, it’s just like from a state of mind that I need to find other connections for before I fully understand that one more time. I don’t lose those connections I made, in fact I always respect and have sympathy for all my old states of mind, but there’s plenty of journal pages I have that randomly do or don’t make any sense depending on when I go back and re-read them. I never let that make me lose what I’ve learned from all of that, I’ve learned way too much from my past 5 years and all the different things that I’ve felt from everything as I went. I really love progression, I see it in every state of mind and push myself to feel more in-depth as I can, because everything eventually makes sense, even in the couple of months. I’ve gotten stuck in different ways that I’ve felt in that period of time, and writing helped but talking at all these meetings and going for walks with my boyfriend also helped loosen all of that congested emotion and brought me to this surface where I finally broke through it. Then I felt this better closeness with myself and my family and boyfriend, and I really understood the stuck that I was feeling. I really see how hard it is sometimes to just drop everything I feel and pretend like I’m past it, but I’ve tried that enough times and it was weird. It’s like yes I want to wake myself up and have more to express and say to the people I love, but I’m like a little buried and tired and I’m not that covered in dirt but I want to breathe better. Like a way I feel that I know is off but I need to be stuck in that rut a little bit to heal myself for some reason, because being in a rut is never this open healing feeling I can express but there’s a reason I ever fall into it. And then I gradually get out of it and break through all of it and it’s interesting, but it helps me so much to feel that requiem, to the point where I totally get the timing of when I’m stuck or buried or just hiding. It’s almost necessary but not intentional, but it’s been stubborn and selfish before growing up. Through my later teenage to adult years I keep talking about, I really sympathize with those feelings and ruts I’ve dug back then. It’s usually some different rut now, as I know how to heal over these things as I go because years past and everything has shifted completely, so I never think I’ll be stuck in an 18 year old rut again. That’s even such a weird year to mention because of everything that’s happened to me in the last while, but it makes sense for how I’ve felt through all of that. So much cycling, so many different significant events or points in time where I made some connection that just kept tying everything together and creating these mindsets for me that I now at 22 have used and healed over differently and used to create this entire new set of emotions and lessons to learn from. I’ll be 23 next month so we’ll see how that changes everything, especially because I have to be completely sober until like August next year.
So much of the same shit I can be doing for myself, and I can’t wait to get all my creative energy back too. I have it and I use it but not enough, so I just keep thinking of this last year and how persistent I’ve been on my blogs, but in the last few months I really saw myself turn over that creative energy and now I’ve been silently working on it and using it sometimes as it gets better each time I try to hon it in and identify it in myself. It was so good when I did Death Row in August too, it totally surprised me with how good it was, and the last two blog posts after that (until this week) were really good too and I just see this progression and I love it with all my heart. For some reason turning over my creative energy helped so much in the last few months obviously to me, I liked those shoots better than anything I’ve done at all for SFD in the last year. But still I have all this creative energy and it comes out every time I work on a photoshoot, but I used to be so much more creative in my writing, and that finally turned out awesome with what I wrote for Convenience Fee this month so it really took a lot of working on myself these past few months, and also the last year, to hit these points of creative flow that actually show I’m making this progress in all of those areas. So sometimes I feel that I’ve spiraled out that energy and had to hit all these points through the year working to get to a better point, like 2017 and shit, because that and the year 2016 were so good for photoshoots sometimes, but not every single time throughout the year. Like I’ve said I just have so much of all of this in me but I take turns with expressing it in all these different areas as I go and I love spinning out these different colors in me to express all these different parts with better connections to different areas of myself, but it’s not always everything I want it to be immediately. Sometimes it’s something I’m desperately glad I got to express, but I almost get afraid of missing out on different things when I’m on a different part of the spectrum. It’s like feeling everything at once and having to pick what to express that day, and trying not to let myself lose any of the other energy as I go and as I write, using all these words to tie it to my visuals but every month that passes just marks more off my calendar. I like thinking month to month for some reason, and I find myself doing that a lot. I love what I get to when I finally hit that one point where I wake up and do a photoshoot, with all those other days that I brainstorm, and I’ll never regret getting up and doing something creatively. I’ll always be expressing myself the best I can as I go, and explaining myself gets even better too because I feel so understood when I’m sitting here nodding to myself at my writing. I love getting to the point of progression, it’s always sometimes, and maybe it’s something to look forward to but I never know what it is until I get to it though and then I’m expressing it. I never really go back on my words either, especially not these days, but I can always sort of sense that I’m headed in this good direction, and I have something to say sometimes but other times it’s never until I’m actually writing. I have this creative energy and logical thinking sometimes and I like to tie it together and make it say something about me that I can’t even believe until it’s out there, whether or not it explains everything to me on my blog about myself or it’s just something in my journal. I love the puzzle pieces of my journal in writing, and the ways I write sometimes feels like this way better flow than others! Like half of this paragraph was me flipping my thinking like an on switch to appreciation, and I love the way that I felt, and it totally just shows how I am in the rest of the blog post. Less of what I desperately need to explain, but more of what I already feel after explaining things as well as I did throughout this post! I think I’ve already hit enough on here to help me understand more and more of where I’m at and I love flow like that, I’ll always be grateful for my energy.
I can make these kinds of connections with myself pretty well, a bunch of the time, like especially when I impress myself or surprise myself, but I do that sometimes and it’s great. Plus, I know where I’m at most the time, but sometimes it feels like I just yank myself into these different states where I accomplish way more mentally than I was expecting. But that helped explain a lot about myself after the getting stuck thing. That’s just all about these different points in time that happen, when I have these moments in a day where I make the connections so well that I click with things in my head really well. It helps me understand my states and cycling really well as I go, whether or not it’s impressive or just easy and close to my heart, but it all makes sense and helps me throw myself further and farther than where I thought I could get to in a day. I love these kinds of things, like churning through a day and loving what I had been doing and then I hit that point where everything makes sense to me and I really easily get everything finally. It’s like something I had been working on for a week but all throughout that week I make a connection day to day that leads me to understanding all to where it gets me to, and where I’m at with things. I’ll never really let myself down completely when I keep getting to know myself like this, because there’s always going to be something else that explains and makes up for it really quick and I almost dropped myself off a bridge at how different I thought this was going to be. I just get surprised when I do something stupid, but it’s really never that stupid, and I always end up making up for it for some reason, even just in a way that makes me feel better about myself. But for like half a day I sit there anxious because of the stupidest fucking thing and I just can’t believe what I did this time, but it ends up being pretty fucking funny because I got through it! I didn’t really understand at first why I was so hard on myself for crazy things like that, but it turns out that it’s not that big of a deal and if I just freak the hell out over a few certain things then maybe I’ll never really have to make some really bad mistake that actually sucks. The more I can sit there and create this problem or conflict with myself, the more I account for those freak outs and things and count them as my trials and struggles because it is legitimate feeling in those moments. It’s worked for me for a while to do that, just let myself freak out too much over something that only seems like the biggest deal, but I’m a smart fucking person and I really get why those small things are my daily destruction. There’s a lot less of it these days but it used to just be such a big deal for me with all these things all the time, but I’ve learned so much from all of it. I keep getting better with things as I go anyway but earlier freaked me out for a second and then I ended up writing this post and it just made up for everything today. I just learn so much from writing on here, and even though I didn’t get to post on here last month I’m just still really glad that I ever do and I love this whole post a lot so whatever, I do enough of this for myself. I’ll keep persisting and pursuing, and it might be a lot of the same things I’ve always wanted but there’s always so much more to it and I just love content to concepts. That’s a lot of what I’ve always thought I wrote about on here. I’ll keep doing my best and hope I keep impressing myself better and better. The surprises are good to, I’m more capable than I thought these days. It’s always about learning more as I go too, because even on days where I’m not even sure (or thinking about) that I’m learning, I stil do these really cool things or make a connection or two with myself that ends up relating to here, with me writing this blog post, and then I get to express some pieces from that day and everything and I just love how it pulls itself together through everything in my mind. There’s always something that I’m thinking about and I love where I’m getting at with myself and what relates to my personal progression, but I also just have a lot of love for the past few weeks (or even month) and I’m really grateful for all that I have. It make seem like things crash and fall sometimes for me a little too easily but I’m pretty good at sorting things out and I know what I really actually love and am working for will always resurface and I’ll get to do more for that good in me and push myself towards the better and be able to handle anything else easier. If it’s that easy to crash and burn then it’s always been pretty easy for me to get back to what I need to be focusing on and get closer to all the resolution and what I need in my life to make it better worth it in spite of everything. I’m good at feeling like I’ve got everything better handled anyway even when there’s destruction or all these kinds of chaos, so I know I can get past these things easier than I thought I could in certain moments. There’s been less of that lately but the last few days were randomly kind of hard for me so that yanked my chain a little, but I’m still pretty grounded and really proud of where I’ve gotten to. It doesn’t really hurt my progress to go through something worse but I’ll always keep thinking better of things as I go, I’ve got the hang of this and handled. That’s good for me, I’ll keep on where I’m going with all of this, past the pain and doing better with progress! October is a good month for me actually, I’m pretty proud of it. Thanks so much for reading.