Lately my heart has hurt about you, but not in any negative way. In a way that scared me and the day after I dropped acid you tried to talk to me about things but… You deserve an explanation, so this is from me. Just a thought out and real version.
The incidents with you were the only “Violent” type things I’ve ever done. That excuses nothing, I’m just putting that out there. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to scare you, and if you really are scared then I really want to hold your heart and stop being such a dick.
I guess when I was with you we did a lot of drugs and were always together and that took over my mind, and I was completely different all of those times. Stepping away and being able to see all of that from this point of view I can see that I only pushed myself like that when I was with you, which isn’t really something I noticed. The days I spend not worry about you are happy and healthy, and I’ve learned so much even from the broken shambles of my past and I live beautifully. I live gracefully, and think of you nearly every day. I think of the things you’ve taught me about perspective, and music especially. I miss our bond and I miss everything we went through. I only wish that it didn’t hurt us to be broken up. I want you to feel safe but I don’t know how to make it clear. I don’t know how to say things to make up for things. I don’t know what to tell you when it comes to how I hurt you or anything I’ve done, and I wish I knew. I wish I had perfect alibis and safe words. I wish I could make you believe it but you need to believe that none of this will happen again. But I’m giving you my word, and on all the honesty I have. I’m saying these words to try to even just kiss a wound but I wish my words were stronger and I wish I could help you past this. It’s a horrible situation.
We can’t be in each other’s lives it seems, but I’m never going to go into yours unpresidented.
Written for Ally in October 2017, and it’s longly overdue for publishing. I love you Ally, and I’m glad we can fight against all odds and always be…well, Abby & Ally.