I needed to write this, because this is positive and loving. I need to release the positive energy into the world. No matter who has hurt me or stumbled over my path, it’s beautiful knowing I have so much love and power seeping through my mind and heart chakra and… life is so much more beautiful with love.
I was put in situations so far out of my comfort zone that I passed Jesus on the way up. But with you I learned love, since your life consisted 95% of negative energy (and still does, if not more). I learned love because that’s how the stars seemed to balance us. It started slowly and it was kind of hectic. It left me fumed, multiple times. But when I was with you, I learned how to be caring because I cared about you. I learned how to be thoughtful because we thought on the same brain waves for a bit. I learned compassion, I learned how to respect people, and most of all, I learned how to support people who are important in my life like my friends.
I was put in a situation that I wasn’t familiar with, and I didn’t know what to do. The times I had a freakout or you had a meltdown, I didn’t know what to do for a while. But it made me find strength that I never knew existed in any form or future technology, and it matured me. I care so much about my friends. I just want them to be happy, tell them funny things, and keep their spirits up. There are multiple people who don’t even know me very well but I make an effort to always check up on them and give them the support that they don’t have. Sometimes they’re shocked, especially when they see I have good intentions, and it warms my heart to be a support beam for someone who just lost theirs. People are people, and they need to be listened to and heard. They don’t need to be completely understood, but you need to be understanding with them. People are so incredibly beautiful beings who make mistakes, and sometimes they’re in bad moods. Sometimes they’re grouchy because they haven’t eaten. Sometimes they say things they don’t mean. They’ll lash out, they’ll take things out on people without meaning to. And I really do not take that personally, ever. People can say hurtful things to me and it makes me sad that they have to be in that mindset but I’m strong enough on my own to be an actual support beam for someone, instead of a splinter in their hand. Not one of those cheap support systems from Wal-Mart, but the kind that comes from my pineal gland, and it shines so brightly that my compassion is impalpable. It used to be that I was mean to everyone because I had a lot of issues when I was younger. I take full responsibilty for everything I’ve ever done, and I acknowledge it, and I accept it. But whenever it crosses my mind, I think of the lessons, and I think of how much more beautiful it is to be loving and gentle and move forward and do better instead of being stuck in the past. Maybe some people cannot forgive themselves and it drives them crazy, but I forgive myself. It was totally not okay in any way, but I promise you I’m doing my best to learn each and every day how to get past that. The older I get, the higher I rise, and the more I see all around and below me. It’s like I got so high up that I surpassed the atmospheres and entered space where there is no up, no direction, no correlation to anything it’s just…vast. And eternal. So at that point, I’m not trying to rise up anymore. I’m trying to look at this beautiful space around me and understand how to treat the planets and the people and the birds and mother nature. I feel like I grew straight out of soil, or maybe hydroponically, but I feel the earth around me in every way. I feel like I’m apart of the life and the vibes that surround me, as if physical touch is just a mindset…because it pretty much is.
It isn’t about power. It’s about giving out as much love as I can possibly do without hurting my own health and wellbeing. I have so much strength to lift people up because I have that level of support for myself too. My dad is my strongest support beam, and he makes it so possible for me to live. For me to strive. He holds me up with all of his might, and with that love and compassion he has for me, I can spread it through my life and every path that I go down, as if I had a million spare flashlights in my bag for hours and years of walking in pitch black darkness. And these flashights I share with the people I love…my family, and believe it or not, my friends. I care so much about them and somehow it’s made it easier for them to reciprocate. They love me too, and maybe that’s because I try my best to be a sturdy support beam, and maybe that gives them even 1% more freedom to leak their light into the skies with me.
I want people to know that I really want to be a great fun, funny friend who can also listen and speak wisely. I want to be gentle and kind but still that hilarious person who does weird stuff for some reason. I want to be the person who always stops and thinks “You’re right” when I originally thought differently. That happens a lot with Jenna, she’s wise and knows stuff that actually teaches me a lot. She shows me different perspectives, and she always lets me join her on her adventures whether we’re at a lake or just sitting with the best vibe-ing people I’ve ever met. I’ll listen to what her and my other friends have to say and I’ll process it and I’ll either change my mindset or at least let the concept of what they’re saying to sink in so that I can see what they’re trying to tell/do for me. I let it sink into my brain, and a stubborn mindset is vanished in my exhale as I say “…You’re right”. I definitely think different then them a lot, and they think different from me, and we respect that. We just talk to each other about things for the sake of venting or helping or trying to have fun, and we try to all lift each other up while we pick what makes our hearts happiest to do. Zoey sees how much I try to support her and amp her and encourage her and she thinks it’s awesome, which is good because that means I’m doing what I’m trying to do. I just want to spread love! I’m not like “Ok Zoey I told you your makeup looked great so now I need you to give me $50 and feed my cat” no no no. Everything I say to them is purely just truth that I’ve found from the light and heart in my soul, with my third eye always looking for ways to show people how freaking AMAZING they are. They really are! I look to the light. I don’t doubt that I’ve said “I LOVE YOU” even like when we didn’t know each other that well to them, and it’s actually so true. When I say it it’s true, it’s basically the representation of how I have unconditional love for you, and no ulterior motives, just… LOVE! You guys already know how much I love spreading love. And I love that we can hangout and do so many positive things when there’s always options to do worse things. We love each other’s vibes so we totally can do like all this total fun stuff, from a photoshoot or getting tatted together etc…Please know that I don’t want anything from you, but I do really really appreciate even the smallest things you do for me or say to me. When I say “thank you!” to all the small things, I mean it. I say thank you when Jenna makes some fried rice and gives me some because I’m very thankful for the sharing nature, and I’m thankful for the positive influence of just like sharing food in general. I’m so thankful for everything Josh does and says to me, and when I thank him and tell him how much I appreciate him, I think he smiles because he knows it comes from my heart. Even for the simplest things. Even things people wouldn’t think to thank anyone for.
But now I see my love is infectious, because I have stronger friendships with these people and others and I see that they strive to build me up too! They appreciate my intentions and the air of positivity is something they can always vibe with so well as we all would sit in our group and just…breathe, listen to the world, look outside, and talk about random things (did you know I’m really talkative?) Like how Tanner and Jacob are also so incredibly sweet and supportive of me, and I think they like my company. That’s actually something I’m totally grateful for, because they’re two of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Everyone around me is so much more pure than the polluted social situations I used to put myself in. I’m grateful to know all these people.
And it’s not always perfect. Sometimes people get grouchy, sometimes I have bad days and feel alone. Sometimes there’s an argument, sometimes there’s a stalemate. Sometimes two of my best friends are frustraed with each other and don’t even want to be friends. But we aren’t friends just to have us all do what one of us wants to do, we speak with kindness and love and laughter. And whether or not we fight it out or take breaks or just break off friendships, I hope they know I’m at least better off having known them at all. I want them to do what’s best for them, and if at any point being friends with me becomes a negative thing, I would graciously want to exclude myself from their life and really try to reassure them that it’s okay. It’s okay to change who you associate with, it’s okay to do what’s good for you. I have absolutely no problem with someone doing something for the better of their life. At least I know for sure that I have so much love for them, and they’re only a few examples of the support beams I have myself.
I have a lot of longterm best friends like Josh even though a couple years ago I kinda fell off the face of the earth and we didn’t talk, but that’s okay he totally gets it. He gets that now I am genuine, I am stronger, I want to help, I want to support, I want to be here, I want to affirm you of all of the positive things I’ve sought to know. Josh knows I love him, and I’m getting better at making sure to actually reply to him, so that’s better. I love our talks. Sitting on my porch, smoking weed, talking about life in a peaceful yet somehow still funny way sometimes. (I make too many jokes). Like my dad who is my closest and best friend of all who talks to me every day and helps me and takes a lot of his time to do even the smallest things for me, because he knows it’s just the support I need to be able to hop over any fence I ever come across. Wow that was a long sentence. Anyway, He makes jokes that are so much funnier than mine, but he also does so much research for anything that I or he thinks is important for me or my health, and he’s thorough enough to reassure me in any terrifying situation. Dude, we’ll be casually driving to Starbucks and he’ll be making the cleverest but stupidest puns which are my FAVORITE thing, and I’ll come back with some puns of my own and as I grow older I think I’m getting more clever with my jokes too. My dad knows me on a level that I am so incredibly grateful for, and I really could not be more blessed…Thank you Dad, for your unconditional love and support. Thank you for being so incredibly kind and patient with my anxious-struggle with food & digestion, and thank you for all of the emotional currency you’ve put towards my wellbeing. I hope you know that I have such a vast and beautiful amount of emotional currency to give to others because you’ve helped me and lifted me so many times in so many ways that I’m so much stronger and my soul is so much kinder. I know why your mom loves you so much, and I know why we all love you, and I know you work so hard for all of us, and I’m really so thankful.
My mom loves when I can be a dork with her, like how she comes home and starts walking up the stairs and she’s like “Hellooooo?” in the voice that we do, unless she goes to the kitchen right when she gets home. In that case, I say really loud from my room, “Helllllooooooo?” or we’ll say “Hey wassup girlfriend!” and then there’s all the funny jokes woven into my personality that her and I can be TOTAL dorks about. We have our own sense of humor, and I’ve pushed my mom away way too many times in horrible years throughout my life, but now I just want to be her best friend. She’ll be talking about things that happen at work (she works at Granite and Marble Specialties and like does interior design for kitchen & bath) and I’ll be like “Well heck yeah they said that, it’s because your dress was just WAY too fabulous and it compliments your totes bubbly personality, duh!” and she’ll laugh with me and be like “Heck yeah man I love this dress!”. Haha, her and I are gonna see a play tomorrow too! But like my good friends, mom, and dad aren’t the only ones in my life who I love with all my heart.
My parents are mostly the reason I turned out so awesome. I tell my mom that all the time! Every day I go to her and I’m like “I’m so cool that you taught me so many things” and shes like lol like what? And it’s simple stuff that a lot of moms teach people, and my mom actually knows a lot even though shes so bubbly on the outside. She knows so many things about life, she’s extremely practical and does what’s good for her and doesn’t let drama around her throw her off the game. She totally sells the most granite. She taught me how to clean a rug, she taught me about plants and flowers, she knows everything about essential oils and has a plethora of all sorts of essential oils and brilliant things. She has a wide variety of things and whenever I have tension headaches or back pain she rubs doterra essential oil blends on my skin, and it’s so cool that it works and is so very simple and healthy. She’s super smart, she understands a lot, shes very super good at talking to people (especially customers, they love her) she knows how to handle so many situations with like public and idk, she doesn’t have a lot of the fear that I have. She sees things for how they are (sometimes shes stubborn though) and is like “Yeah that sucks” and it’s really that simple, because she sees that a lot of things just have to pass. She endures, she goes to church and has strong morals, and is still super cool and fun. And that, my friends, is half of the reason why I’m AWESOME. Lol but really! I have the kindest hearted parents and that’s…kinda rare now, to have such a close family.
YOU KNOW WHO’S REALLY COOL? My bro. We call him Pants. Mom and I call him Pants like legit. When he was younger she called him Reesie-Poo-Pants, and eventually on one day we just gave him the name Pants, and laughed so hard and group hugged. My grandma was like omg that’s so mean to call him pants, but heck no! Bro goes by a lot of names. I often refer to him simply as “Bro”. Or “Pants”. Or I’ll just say “Who are you?” when I don’t have an answer to a question or something.
You see though, he’s a total gamer, and 12 years ago he became zoomdude44 on the game Runescape, which was a suggestion from a friend of his from the game ToonTown. Thus he became zoomdude44 on lots of things, and as he grew older and evolved, he became Zoom. So that was his name for lots of things. He even has one of those giant external drives or whatever idk we call it ZoomCloud and we all add and take some stuff from there, so we save room on our computers. Plus, you know how Rave people can be given Rave names, and like they can’t pick their own it has to be given? Apparently that’s a thing and so even though his glover name for a while (oh yeah he does cool glove lightshows too and he’s really good) was Zoom (classic) but then, he was given his rave name. Slipstream. I’m pretty sure his friend Toast (LOL funny name), a fellow glover, gave that to him. But now that he has his “given” rave name, this is like totally a whole new chapter to the evolution of the super awesome BroPantsZoomSlipstream. HA. I’m gonna call him that next time I see him. I’m so proud of this kid! He’s been through so much, fighting his own head, questioning things and just usual growth. He’s grown sooo much even in the past couple of months, and maybe he doesn’t realize it. Not many people respond enthusiastically to all of his wisdom, all of his introspection and thinking outside of the box, and sometimes that can get him down. He totally wants a friend he can talk to and get to know, and he’s tried to platonically have a “girl” as a friend, but then they always just flake away. But Reese is insanely cool. He’s got the world at his hands. He went from being an introvert who only played video games and would get mad at me ALL THE TIME because I would go up and hug him CONSTANTLY when I was like 8 (I just remembered that). But now he really is one of my best friends, and he’s transisioned from just his online passion to also finding these cool new passions! His gloving, which is awesome, is something he’s always learning more of and always being awesome at. He goes to raves, he goes to clubs, and sometimes he “parties”, or other times he’s just across the hall having some weird convo with me. From where I sit in my room and where he sits on his computer, we can see each other, so we just do our stuff and totally talk across the hall all the time. Or he’ll tell me about a crazy night, or a frustrating girl, but I hope he sees his evolution. There’s going to be so many crazy things on the way but you’re in a place that you never thought you would be, and yet its like…healthy. It’s like healthy to become who you are. Some things are dumb to do, but I’m not focusing on that right now. I just am really grateful to have him as a brother and a friend. When I was little, I always called him Reesie. Before the poo-pants thing even happened. #themanofmanynames
Reese know that I’m so proud of you. You’ve come SO FAR. It just reminds me of how much love and support all of my family seems to give me. Like Jessie, my stepmom, who is wise in so many ways that not everyone sees, and has such a kind heart even if she gets in moods. She’s one of the coolest people I know, and she’s so incredibly giving and thoughtful. I think I kinda learned that from her and that’s how I started to want to be more of. It’s cool to talk to her, it’s fun to hang with her, and I can see why my dad and her have lasted so long. They both have the kindest hearts but again, not everyone sees that. But I’m thankful to get to know her.
I even have like, CD best friends! Like Michael! I’ve known him for years and there were a couple times where I fell off the face of the earth and stopped talking to him but then I always came back, and I want to be a really good friend to him because he’s always been such a good friend to me. CD Collecting is super exciting if you have someone you can be like “Omg yay I just totally scored this signed Lana CD for such a good price, thank you for the link!” we also do these boxes where we’ll fill up boxes that we curate with CDs and things that we think we’d like/reminds us of eachother/a new kind of music to try, and it’s seriously like Christmas to get that box. It’s so fun to not only shop for CDs but to get to have like the whole Instagram community, where we all show each other our different CDs and talk about them and the excitement is infectious. As of this post, I have 503 CDs and counting. Michael has thousands! Dude his collection is legendary! He was like one of the very first CD collecting accounts on Instagram too!
Milkshake is my cat. Milkshake is a cat that I feel like has a soul directly linked to mine. It’s as if she has the same soul and personality as me, but interpreted into a cute little cat version. She perches on my bed or in the little green box I have at the top of my shelf (it used to have stuff in it but now I keep it empty because she loves to sleep there like all the time) and I totally understand her language. She talks to me, says she wants to go outside, says she needs some food, says she wants in my room, and she’s so patient about it too. If she meows at the door but nobody comes to open it, she kinda just chills on the couch until one of us walks downstairs and she runs to the door. Often when I’m in the bathroom I look outside and there she is in her cute little nap spot that is half under the shade of a beautiful big tree and half in the sunlight. Just this little black ball all snuggled. But whenever I go and sit outside, if she still wants to be outside then she’ll come from wherever she was and just sits in the shade of the flower pot next to me and just chills with me while I read my books or smoke weed. She’s such a kindred spirit, I feel my love for her dug down incredibly deep through the stem of my soul, and I just know who she is. And she knows who I am. The one to always pet her exactly how she loves, the one who takes naps with her, the one who talks to her gentley, the one who tries to treat her with more respect than I’ve probably ever treated anything. I want her to live her cute fun life and know that I’m always here for her, to bond with her and talk to her and hold her when I’m sad. It’s incredibly sad that my recent ex would do things like hit her hard in the face multiple times, and honestly that was probably the worst thing I’ve ever seen happen in my life. That wasn’t all the abuse though. She was terrible. And now she’s gone, and now I can hold my kitten tight with our spiritual bond radiating through us as if we were shining visibly, making the sun just look like a star and making bonds look like they’re retractable. But Milkshake is my queen, my babygirl, the one who’s vibes make mine complete, and no matter what that bitch did to her, she understands that it wasn’t my fault. Who the fuck abuses their girlfriends cat? jesus. Ok nevermind that, good vibes good vibes. It’s hard sometimes. It’s hard to stay positive when I’m infuriated about a loved one getting hurt. But that just goes to show, the best thing I’ve ever done with my life is stop caring about her.
The other day Zoey said “Thats a good attitude to have” when I was saying how i dont really care if i mess up my makeup much, because i do it for me and if i think it’s fine then that’s all that matters, and I don’t care how other people see me. When she said that I was like…Oh yeah, that is a good attitude to have! Not sure where I learned that, but it’s beautiful. Not sure where I learned to be so comfortable with myself without caring about the reflection I built in other people’s eyes, but that something to be super thankful for. Maybe that has a lot to do with why I want to build everyone up, because they need to see through the mirror that they are beautiful, that they slay, that they’re important, and they’re entitled to do exactly what they feel like doing, exactly what makes them comfortable. Does wearing makeup make you comfortable or happy? Do it. Does not wearing makeup make you confident or happy? Don’t do it, and don’t think twice about who sees you. If you’re really you, then that’s as radiant as you can possibly get. I completely believe in you, in all of you. I don’t want to give up the love I have, because I’m definitely just getting started. This week I’ll be getting my heart chakra tattoo and thus begins the journey of life where I learn so deeply to have love flow through every trail of my brain, my veins, and my vanity.
Worry Just Enough 