unsaid

I feel like I take all of the blame and I’m supposedly doing everything wrong. I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me so hard. I try so hard to own up to things but I swear to god I never would’ve done those things having known it could hurt her even a tiny bit. I don’t think she knows where I’m coming from. I love her so much that it hurts me and makes me feel like I’m dying when I have to go so long without trying to talk things out to her. I feel like I’m going to explode, I feel like maybe if I could talk about some things then it would lift the weight off my shoulders. So this is me trying to…but it digs a little too deep.

We’re both hypocritical, we both screw up, but please don’t treat me like I’m any worse than you. We’re a team and yet all you’ve been doing lately is questioning everything I’ve ever said and done to you with a grain of salt. I have told you so many times that I’m sorry for hurting you with things I didn’t realize I was even doing, but you won’t even admit that you’re a part of it. You won’t admit that you’ve done some fucked up things recently, but you wonder why I feel like I’m drowning visciously in a way that spreads and throws my molecules around violently. I feel like you make me feel that every single problem in our relationship is caused by me. Why are we so different? I think it’s because we’re too similar. Does that mean we can’t be together? There’s SO, SO many things I wish I could talk to you about but you just get really defensive and closed off. And then you tell me that I am, and I’m like “oh yeah I guess I am and I’m so sorry I don’t know why that’s happening but I actually am sorry” but I can’t bring anything up to you. I can’t talk to you about your best friend, I can’t talk to you about drugs. I can’t tell you so many things, you don’t even know how much I do for you. But that’s okay! I’m okay with protecting you from so much. I’m like the atmosphere, I do so much to keep you alive but that’s because I want to! I’m not saying this for recognition, I just wish you knew. I wish you knew that I’m the atmosphere, so when you’re looking at the beautiful stars at night just know I’m holding so many things together with myself and…I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I could tell you about the layers of the atmosphere and what they do. How I protect you by turning myself into a layer of light that I can wrap around you like my blanket when we used to sit at the pond every night. I wish I could tell you why this is so jumbled. You told me maybe I should write, but I didn’t feel like I could, but now I feel like I have to. I feel so infallible, like I’m always saving your world, but turns out that even if I’m prepared for 5 different situations there can always be tons and tons of more possibilities where there are bullets I couldn’t run in front of fast enough before they hit you, with a slow motion-esque as I can see them bursting through your insides. I grab you, and I hold you, and I cry when you’re on your death bed, and it hurts. But I never try to make it about me, because I want to protect you. Maybe if I spent more time preparing i could’ve saved you from the bullet but now you want nothijng to do with me because you never realized there was an atmosphere between this earth and the stars. You forgot for just a second…and in those seconds, that’s when you saw the worst in me. But please know, you only saw the worst in me because the best of me is so noble I never want to make you feel bad. I suck it up, you’ve made me stronger because I wanted to better myself for you, but lately you’ve been hurting me so much.

It hurts so much when