I guess I should’ve seen the red flags that popped up while I was telling her she left me breathless. I should’ve seen any of the flags but I couldn’t because my vision had started to fade. I held my breath for her. For like 2 years, it was as if I was holding my breath. She was toxic, she was killing me. But mostly I just wish I had known what I got myself into when I told the world that she took my breath away.
I thought we were happy. But then things started getting rocky, to the point where we were pushed so far past our breaking points that it was scary. It’s like we were holding our breath for sooo long until we finally ran out of breath — then we thought we were going to die. We felt like we were dying. Our vision started getting hazy and we started getting massively distant. But then the pressure was released, and we thought we were dead…until we inhaled again. Inhaled the oxygen, and didn’t even know that we had been suffocating before. But now at least I see that I was, and I see how suffocating was a bad idea, and it feels so good to just… breathe. So no I don’t miss holding my breath…but I miss the life that I built with her. We built a life, a home within ourselves, and our brains were nearly always on the same wave length. I miss my home, I miss the love, I miss the support, but I don’t miss suffocating. Not like “wow she suffocated me with her love” more like…she took my breath away. ALL of it. And that’s why it feels so good to just breathe.
I see now that our love is repugnant. I see now that my attitude was repulsive. I see now that I’m truly better off.