She needed me here, in the wist of winding trials. She loved me when she looked in my eyes, but sometimes she sees the flaws. She sees that I have such good intentions…yet I feel like her heart is writing a song about how my love is synthetic, made out of Xanax and Adderall and she probably thinks I’m that person. I’m not really any person. I decline the constriction of society, I refuse to believe I have limits or boundaries or outlines. I know I do have them, but I don’t let that affect some good judgement. But when the sun is going down and I’m sitting on my porch with my bong and some music, I remember infinity. Sometimes I have to get high to sleep, or even to eat. But I bet I’m writing myself a song about how those are just excuses and I should be powerful in sobriety.
I’m powerful in society. I am either hated or I’m loved or I’m apparently “understood”. I have my days to find the heart and seconds to lose the love, and suddenly it bleeds out. Drained. Everything is draining. And as I feel my energy and love being pushed into the atmosphere, I crumple and deflate. I can feel the pressure…it’s like wood, maybe mahogany. I feel it with my hands as I get pushed down, down, down by it’s weight. It weighs thousands of kilos and it holds quite a bit of passengers. It’s similar to the titanic, except I was just trying to live before I started feeling pressure. Just normal pressure. But then it just now turns into the biggest boat ever created by humanity, and the gravity is pulling at it’s depth. Grabbing it and pulling it down, inevitably to the spot where I now lie down. I close my eyes and everything is black. I open my eyes and everything is black, and all I feel is the pressure of me being stuck between gravity and this earthy mass, being flattened like roadkill. I never actually lie down… Not metaphorically. I’m standing, with my knees wobbling, pushing against the boat with all of my mind but it is SUCH a joke that I could even have any affect over a conundrum this simple. There’s no way to get around it, it just is there. It’s happening. It’s going to happen. The key is coping, not just making things disappear into thin air. I wish the air around me was thicker but all the air is escaping from my lungs as it’s now clear to me that I can’t breathe under pressure.
I hear music in my head, and I feel the pain in my back as if these things remind me that I’m a part of humanity. As if those things are characteristics of “living”. But what is this you call life? Why do you not pay more attention to what you dream, why can none of us access our subconscious in a conscious way? Why can’t anyone bring that to attention? I wouldn’t actually ask that though. Because I understand that people are going to be different from me and I don’t expect any degree of “knowledge” from any of them. They’re just who they are. People. It’s no secret to the masses, each of these people might not be as cognitively strong as others. We mistake this for a flaw. Like when the famous artists would paint outside the lines of their outlined silhouette, or how Moschino did a collection made to represent garbage. Trash chic, haha. On the outside some people see that it’s common for those things to happen, but when it does happen, sometimes they just don’t understand.
Every day of mine is another day into this strange land of life. I’ve been stressed out lately, and there are days where all I’ll do is speak of my depression and talk about the weight of the world being on me. The weight of the world…It’s such a powerful phrase to me. It has so much sentimental value because when I talk about my mental state it’s the only thing I can say to try to capture what’s really going on in the wide eyes of roadkill. By that I just mean…it’s a scary concept, it’s heart racing, it’s draining, and it’s tiring and a lot of times I’m stunned…Literally, physically. Other times it’s what I guess you’d call a mental block. Writer’s block. I’ve definitely been dealing with that. But I just got back from a concert and my brain is still pretty awake but all I should be doing is going to sleep!
The weight of the world is upon me. In the wake of devastation lies my truth, and it’s a 10,000 page hardback book compared to the slim manuals and instructions of the other human beings, all around 15 pages long with lots of colorful pictures and a texture that can seem so…New, like opening a fresh magazine from a New York book store and smelling the new slightly-glossy pages. Maybe none of this makes sense. But I defy the rules and structure of writing and what you’re supposed to say, I’m so far past that. Once you learn the rules, you can break the rules.
That’s the biggest rule of fashion in my life! Maybe I need to learn more of the rules of existence…
I think there’s just one. Ivy Green says it all the time. “Just be”
Yesterday I drank an eighth of shrooms with my fabulous nigga Jenna, with our pomegranate smoothies! Lol but Ally was there too and I just was so happy. I was so content with life, especially with the weed that we smoked on the porch, laughing SO hard! I loved it. I love being around people that I can really vibe with, and get to know better. I kinda always feel like shrooms are like a bonding experience, it definitely was back in 2014 when I was with Lauren (she was my dear lovely friend) and Delaney (a true friend tbh)…Lauren is proud of me. I feel it, I feel her here when I miss her. I feel her radiance, her courage, her beautiful sweetness…It lingers through my day dreams and sometimes even in my dreams. I’m proud of her life, proud to be her friend, and I just wish for some Lauren hugs now and then! It always makes me cry when I type about you.
Shrooms with Jenna was really fun. I see myself in her, and honestly that sounds so vague but basically we went places I had never bin. Lots and lots of people! All really nice! Then we left after getting the shrooms and planned this beautiful day with caution and passion in our eyes. Jenna shoutout to you because I really do feel like I bonded with you in a zen moment or two. You inspire me, and I hope I can be inspirational. You remind me we’re the same species!
My dear baby Ally. I love her so much. She’s so supportive, caring, but we know all this. She has been witnessing my trainwreck of a life for nearly 2 years now. But she and I totally just got back from the 1975 concert! It was amazing, an amazing experience!
But I start to feel it now and again. the weight of the world