A Grey Circle Anatomy

I had a dream where I was conversing casually with a friend. I didn’t know who it was, but in the dream itself I apparently knew them. They just bent down to tie their shoes and randomly dove into saying “You know what Abby? I really admire how you get what you want. It’s like, you’re not even a spoiled brat, you just have the drive and audacity to go for what you know you deserve, and you are very strategic in the way that you make these things happen.” I remember feeling really flattered before I woke up and had reality come to focus. The center of my vision bore the same thing I see everyday, my TV in my room, and even though I slept somewhere else last night I still feel like I never fully leave this room. Why did that dream even happen? Why was I being told that? Why was I flattering myself? Why were they just tying their shoes? Why are my dreams never faltered or dulled with any sleeping pill or substance? Anytime that I remember my dreams, they’re always so odd. The worst is when I take cold medicine because that turns them into nightmares, but I’m talking about my generic everyday dreams that I can’t quite wrap my brain around.

The worst is how congested I am and how I feel the mucus sliding down the back of my throat. Very gross. But I’ve been thinking. In good situations we can think good things, and with bad situations we think bad things, right? Wrong. Let me break that down.

I’m such a selfless person. People say that, right? They’ll give me reasons about how I care so much for them and how I take a mature approach on difficult social situations, but then there’s the people who say…

I’m such a selfish person. Someone can say that, very strongly, meaning every word, and you know what? They’re right. They give me reasons about how I spend a lot of money that could be used for other people’s stuff, they’ll say how I bail in any situations just to make myself comfortable, despite where it leaves other people. That’s true. So I agree with them. But all the selflessness outlooks are right too. So I agree with them.

Confused yet? I don’t know why you should be. Picture a circle. Picture it divided up like yin and yang. There’s yin, but it’s still a circle. There’s yang, but it’s still a circle. The circle is full of infinite particles of grey, but we simplify it by declaring it yin and yang. Because that’s what the world is all about…Balance and perspective. If you think I’m something, then you’re right. To your mind, you’re right, whatever it is. You are. But to my mind, I’m right about how I see myself. And this is where this all becomes vital: You control how everything in this world is, because you could pick up an orange and if you decided you wanted it to be a banana then your brain could declare that. Nothing exists until we yank it into fruition, making all this stuff up with our senses to have this little movie inside our head. We have complete control though. 100%. Self control and mind power is such an important thing, because you literally decide how you perceive the world. From one angle, the circle looks more like yang. From another angle, it looks more like yin. It’s still the same circle, but there’s infinite perspective. Because you create the perspective. So every thought that you have creates an entire ‘nother world, and that’s why bland therapists will always just tell you to picture yourself in certain places. I’ve been working on that, because I spent 4 years denying that life is really that simple, but the truth is it is. When I’m in really bad pain but don’t have anything to help with it, I concentrate really hard-like when I start having a panic attack, I concentrate really hard; and it’s the same thing, it’s just me honing in all of my zen and all of my yin and all of my yang and mixing it in a bowl–literally picturing myself mixing it all in a bowl, and then I have control. The more you practice this, the more you have control over your life. I’m happy because I choose to be happy. I’m happy because I’m blocking the negative thoughts and tilting the circle in a way where I can only see the whitest, brightest part. I’m not a pro yet, but I already have so much control over my life, and let me just tell you, in my 18 years of living I have never learned anything more important than self awareness. Yes I love yoga. Yes I believe in meditation. I bet at least half of the people reading this actually stopped reading halfway through, or are just rolling their eyes because they’ve heard this all their life but never have been able to summon it. Well guess what, I’m an adult now, and the most adult lesson I’ve learned is that having an open mind is one of the most powerful aspects of life. So I opened my mind and I let myself pick and choose what will sedate me when I’m too anxious to sleep, or I pull my focus into my head and let everything become nicely blurry if I smoke weed (rather than the panic attacks I used to get) and I have 100% control — the problem is, sometimes we all want to be sad. And that’s fine. I throw my share of fits. But then I push ALLLLL of my pride aside, and all that’s left is the purity of the simple facts my senses throw to me. I choose how I want to interpret them, I choose how they make me feel. And that, my friends, is my superpower.