Back in Time, Back in Line

I forgot it was even possible to think myself into a hazardous state. Sometimes the strangest, smallest, or craziest things will trigger me into a state of panic, other times it’ll just be overthinking. Now they say overthinking could be the death of anyone, but I was convinced my love for/practice of logical thinking was my everlasting shield. Alas, maybe that smugness is what got me socked in the face with a blow of reality. I thought I had already cataloged and categorized every word and every thought and every feeling that was ever made clear by my own self, but I forgot my subconscious liked to throw punches. Enough with the strange talking, here’s the deal. I have a lot of fears. You put me on the maximum dosage for this anxiety medication and what do you get? Still a big load of anxiety. I’m not complaining, however today I just started thinking of all the things that could go wrong in my life. I emphasized everything I was doing wrong and even in four seconds I was able to completely bully myself for all of it, no matter how minuscule. I started hyperventilating and it felt like my blood was running up and down a race track as if their lives depended on it (even though they themselves don’t have “lives” per say?… Let’s not question my personification) and suddenly the thing that became most difficult to me was breathing. Now, how did I fix this? I shoved all that panic down to the pit of my stomach, I held my breath when unable to take deep breaths, and I waited. I waited for about 20 minutes. And that was the worst 20 minutes of my life. Yet I got through it. In the moment nothing else mattered except for the panic I felt and the way I thought my life was ending, yet I got passed it.

An hour later I found myself in a pretty good state. I had gone to the store and just by changing my atmosphere I felt like I could manage a little better, even though the hour before I thought I was glued to where I was sitting and was never going to be able to budge. Two hours later from the incident I found myself in a generally happy state. Sitting on a bench by the lake and just thinking about things. I’m not sure what the difference was.

I wrote that in July. I never finished it so it was saved as a draft, and looking at it now, it’s really interesting. Anxiety is still like the biggest issue I’m dealing with and it seems like it tears me apart constantly. I have really bad eating habits nowadays, apparently what I have is called food anxiety, but whatever the reason I just really can’t eat because I don’t like most food and can’t eat most food and it’s so stressful. But..Let’s talk about the good things in my life. The biggest being my love/#1 supporter, Ally. She really helps me get through a lot of days and get passed all this anxiety. Sometimes I freak out and yet she stays and just loves me. No matter what I’ve done, no matter what I “deserve”, no matter what I’ve ever been sad for not having, it all doesn’t matter, because when I’m with her it’s just us. In that moment, it’s just us. And she has created this world of Candyland for me and I just hate that I still have so much anxiety. I feel like I act so ungrateful but life is hard sometimes. Who knows why. Who knows what for. I just try to live and there’s nobody I’d rather go through this life with than Ally.

Concerts are totally my thing. Fashion is my forte. Perfume is my excitement. My love is my passion… I think I’m going to be okay.

 

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