And the words I thought I was screaming ever coherently never in reality scraped my lips, they never left my throat, and maybe that’s because the war was within myself.
…I haven’t had a bad day in a while. I mean I have, but none were even comparable to the horrible ones I used to have on a daily basis. In fact, if I felt how I felt today back in August then I would probably be so happy that I finally had a good day, but no: this is a bad day. To me, right now, I’m having a bad day. I don’t like it. I’m sad. I don’t like being sad. But I’m the only one ruining my life. In my head all I hear is voices screaming back and forth fighting over what I’m supposed to do. I want to breathe. Please somebody let me breathe! It hasn’t been this bad in a while. It’s not even that bad, but it still sucks. I just feel so alone because all the bad feelings are radiating from within me. So it’s like…nothing external can pierce through this shield made of bad intentions and heavy tensions. I mean, this shield is a bitch. This shield intends to keep me in a cold dark room and it doesn’t want to remind me what light looks like. The way the rays of sunshine rain down your face, the heat and it’s warmth and how the warmth looks so bright even though it’s not entirely visible. The way a laugh escapes your lips when you can have a lighthearted conversation with people you care about. I miss the simple things. What I don’t understand is, how do I get rid of this? I was doing so good. I was doing so good with yoga and stuff. It’s just so stupid. I lost all progress. In this moment I want to fold into myself and cry. The sun shines over me so brightly that instead of keeping me in a warm glow, it has lasers that pierce through every part of my shield. Every single pore of my body is exposed heavily to the brightest of brilliance I’ve ever seen, and I’m turning to ash.
But it’s okay. It’ll all be okay by tomorrow.