Time of Dying

What I don’t understand is why these things are happening. Why is my life happening like this and why are these events mocking my dreams? Why does every step I take end up being a step in quicksand that I didn’t know was there? Why am I stupid enough to move forward and not notice the quicksand? Why the fuck am I even walking somewhere where there’s quicksand?

My goodness. I live in a world where things happen and I can’t control my reactions but I can control my actions, so I wish I utilized that better. I wish I jumped out of bed, photoshoot for ishopfordays.com, workout, eat tons, and sleep at a good time. I try everything, endlessly, to attempt to get into a life lack that. But even though my life was really good for a while, everything is very quickly spiraling out of the air and the ground is coming quick to hit me straight on through my skull. I can’t even jump off of this crazy ride I’m on, because as Abby I vowed to have to deal with shit like this in my life so that’s what I have to do. I was so freaking optimistic last year, like I wish I would’ve known how happy I was. I was happy the last few months too, for sure. But now EVERYTHING is crashing. My physical health, my mental health, my relationship’s health, my sanity’s stability, and every thought I have is an explosive. They’re all explosive devices with random timers on them, so I could think anything and BOOM I’m annihilated. I really can’t live like this, I feel so incredibly doomed. I didn’t know it was possible to look at life so pessimistically, but I do. And I am. And it sucks. My life sucks. Just because there are good things in my life doesn’t mean the bad feelings I have are invalid. They’re definitely real. They’re definitely alive, intact, and mocking me with the rest. I have absolutely no motivation for life, so what am I supposed to do? I can’t even eat.

There’s so much that needs to be fixed. Screw Christmas and y’all’s holly jolly carols, I am going to rip apart my life and then rebuild it in a manner of which I can tolerate living in. I will not die, I will survive, I will face everything I have, I will fight until I run myself into the ground, I will do so much research and so much planning, and if I haven’t fixed my attitude by a month from now then we’ll see that there’s serious problems. But give me a month… My life has always been in my hands, and I have all the tools I need so…Time to fight. It’s not an easy battle, but my plan is to kickass and always end up on top. You know I will.

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