Wow, it really has been a while since I’ve posted. A month, actually. I guess that’s because right after writing that last post, everything fell apart and I was not even able to get out of bed for weeks. I had to complete re-adjust my medication and let it stabilize, and now I’m actually okay enough to at least write on here.
So here’s what’s hap. Currently freaking out a little and worrying a little too much. A lot of things have happened. Shoutout to Ally, I love her a lot, and last night she hung with some friends which obviously reminded me all night and all morning of my lack thereof. Which wasn’t anything bad, it was just frustrating for me to be like oh yeah I don’t have any. And then later in the day with the normal weird Internet stuff going on I started overthinking about how I don’t have any friends for all these reasons and that I don’t even know how to have friends. Which is true, because recently (the past 2-3 months) every time I get a friend/start socializing more, I run away. I push everyone away because I decide I can’t handle having them as friends because the ups aren’t worth the downs. That’s how I always feel when it comes to people. Literally nobody is worth the downs, I’m afraid of having any downs at all because I’m not used to actually talking to people so when stuff happens I overreact, but that’s just because I’m not used to being in a situation like that! It makes me panic way more than it should, and there’s the facts.
So during my overreacting panic today I had a flashback. Oddly enough, when I get anxious I always get flashbacks of memories I forgot about. Today the one I had was a memory of my best friend (at the time) and I and all the stuff we used to do in her room. I have always had issues going over to other people’s houses because I’ve constantly panicked throughout my life, but I remember occasionally going over to her house. We planned a lot of things. We started this sewing club where we would all sew a bunch of pillows and things for people. Then we started a babysitting club where we had this huge box of prizes and would share the box babysitting different kids and give them a prize when we left. This all happened when we were 11-12 mostly. I remember us talking in her room and getting all excited to watch a movie so we ran out of the room and made popcorn and got our favorite fruit snacks and some drinks and it was just a lot of fun. I remember how happy I was, I remember how close we were, I remember a lot of crazy details.
I can remember a lot of different times with a lot of different friends. Throughout the years I’ve put myself out there to let myself become close to all these different people. All of this seems like something someone would say about dating, but friendships are real, and people take them for granted. I never usually did, usually I was the one who was taken advantage of or dropped. I guess a huge problem in my life is how many days I’ve cried because I felt I had no friends. Either because I wasn’t close with anyone and had no one to even talk to normally (had to talk to about surface stuff or crushes/their boyfriends) and I usually just talked to my dad instead. He was able to give me comfort and make me feel like someone was there for me, but he’s not the type I could go hangout with and do something fun at the park or whatever. I sound like I’m complaining but I’ve never been anything but honest.
Now here’s where it gets real. Friendships are hard, relationships are hard, they’re all going to be hard and we all just need at least a couple people on our side so that no matter what’s thrown at us, we’re grounded and not thrown up into the air in defeat. It should all be okay. Things are okay. I have a lot of trouble with friendships but there are so many reasons behind that. Getting involved in different things with different people will help. Doing what I love (like this writing) will help. Spending time with Ally (my girlfriend) will help. Talking to my dad, spraying perfume I love, wearing my favorite lipstick, wearing a dressier outfit, remembering what I loved to do and was able to do will help. Playing my favorite songs will help. I just have to drown myself in happiness, take this nostalgia and throw it in the air so when I sit on my laptop to play my favorite games and edit things and look at things, all of this will rain down on me, maybe metaphorically or maybe literally, and I can remember that I am a person, they are people too but I’ve been living without them and can continue to, although there may be times where I sob in my loneliness I know I have myself and my passions and I’m okay. In time things will get nicely secured and I might feel even better, but that’ll just be the icing on my already delicious cake. Things are hectic, but for now, I’ll worry just enough.