This is a story I wrote in 2013 that I found one time 10 years later. I just wanted to include it on my blog because it matches some of my other styles of writing! Thanks for checking it out.
There are few things that can make me happy anymore. Seems like life is just passing by as I travel through…going through these motions as it whips around me, caught in a world so vast…only to realize I’m so miniscule. Such a tiny part of a huge ecosystem yet, these emotions seem larger and more real than anything. Think about it… those feelings on the inside… how do you feel them? They’re apart of you…a warning to your brain. You feel it. How do you feel it? Why do you feel it? We know why it’s happening… but why do you feel it? Could it be that everything is running through in our subconscious, synching with the world… with our feelings just matching up to what’s happening? Are we feeling these things because our subconscious is creating it, based on a common way of reactions that should be caused by our humanity? Was our subconscious set up by fate… are we all puppets in an experiment?
Driving. Driving at night. The wind finding my face with viscous blows as my arm lays out the empty window frame. We’re going faster. The street lights are showing us the way through a gorgeous city, very new looking. Amazing. Gorgeous. Surreal. How could something that we made be so…real? How were we able to take a figment of our imagination and turn it into something we can hold…touch…savor? Creation is a beautiful thing, and it may be a part of more than we think.
Life seems so new. Looking back, my past feels like a dream. Only now feels this real. Only the pain I’m feeling really feels real, as it eats my way through my body as if it’s plan is to destroy me. Why should we feel mental pain when there’s no reason to? That’s the question I’ve been wondering my entire life.
I’ve been known to never be satisfied, to always be questionable. Superbly opinionated yet strongly indecisive. I feel as if I think more than I breathe; my thoughts racing like a thousand words fighting to fit on one pixel. I’m different because I question the usual, the norm. I’m the same because I can’t change it.
I feel as if this setting doesn’t feel right… too warm. The visual is. I need cold colors. I need to take the visuals of the night and match them to my emotion. We drive out past the city and into a forest with almost black trees and a light blue sky scanning the lower horizon. We drive even faster. The cold air smacks my skin with every bump. I inhale the crisp and cold air, feeling refreshed as if the energy from the angry wind had been transferred into my wandering mind.
While we drive, I consider my past. How I’ve always been so dedicately visual, thanks to my disposition. The way I saw things always had affected my mood. That must’ve been why I adhered to the obsession of shopping at such an early age; my extensive collection of CDs frame my shelf with gorgeous pictures and intricate arts that excite my heart when I see them. They mean too much to me; the albums all had my feelings injected into the art, as if they all spoke my language.
Millions of feelings throughout my life… all leading up to this moment. We live life every day, the time passing by… what are we learning? What are we doing? I believe that I’m living to learn…am I learning enough?
The past 24 hours I haven’t said many words. A sudden realization equipped me with the consideration of surrender. I couldn’t live like that anymore…everyday living the same, with the same people, in the same house, in the same situation… I’ve been sitting. Watching. Listening. Listening to the silence as it said more to me than any noise or thought traveling through the empty. It told me that I can change my state. All I need is willpower. And that’s something I’ve always had a lot of. I will no longer live like this. My subconscious planned for me to react certain ways without me knowing. My instinct did the same. But no longer am I enslaved to my own brain. With the knowledge I have I will take control. As I drift further into my thought I realize how true my will is… never will I let them bring me down.
The setting changes. The car stops. I feel like I’m floating as I swim through the possibilities of creation. I am able to do now what I always have wished I could do. The future slides through my vision as if it were a phosphene. I’m not even sure if it’s really there, but as time passes, I’m more aware of it being there. I hear music, strings and beats so intricate that it’s a form of escape. My feet lighten. I run, feeling lighter and lighter as I continue, until I have completely let go. I claw at what’s underneath me. It’s grass, brighter and more vivid than I’ve ever seen it. I feel the water drip down a blade even though I’m not touching it, and feel the energy being absorbed as the plant feeds.
Suddenly I feel like I’m spinning, but the feeling is more mental than physical. My view drifts out of my body and suddenly I’m seeing myself, being spun by nothing lying on nothing. Voices crawl through the air, and my ears are desperate to catch them, but cannot. The words slip through my grasp as if they were there to being with. I look around me to see the colors of my world dripping, like wet paint, down from the sky. The walls become bare as these blues soak into the ground. I’m confused as to what they are, until I realize where I am now. I’m on a canvas, watching as the world beyond throws fire like confetti. Yet, if there is fire, why is my world reacting like water?
I realize it’s because I created this. I react how I would like to react now. Yet sometimes, things that feel so vivid are only things you wish you could feel vividly. You learn from your subconscious because it is ready to teach you. For the first time since we started the drive, I suddenly open my eyes to find myself alert. I turn up the music and shift my position as I find comfort again. I close my eyes in preparation to find my escape from this world yet again.
Worry Just Enough 