Au Grand Jour

What prevents us on a daily basis from saying (possibly honest) things that would hurt each other? What prevents me from saying what I think, even if it’s just an innocent thought that came to my head, just because it would hurt the feelings of another? I think it’s a type of survival. We’re taught, growing up in this “wild”, that we aren’t supposed to do things to hurt other people in any way. I believe in some ways we develop this instinctively, however, I know a lot of that is fear of getting hurt. Maybe that’s wrapped right into the instincts but I think it’s mostly just woven in our subconscious, all these sorts of things we have learned about people and anger are tucked in there along with the specific ticks of specific people and what sets them off. When you become close enough to a person, you find what sets them off and it becomes a habit to avoid that. It all boils down to not wanting to be hurt.

People may try to argue that we just avoid aggravating people just because we are animals that have found a way to be so compassionate, but I think it’s mainly the fact that our brain sees action + anger = negative feeling and does whatever it can to avoid that. We have all these patterns organized neatly in folders, there immediately for use. I use to love researching our subconscious, it’s all I would ever talk about for a while because it was extremely intriguing to me and still is. Although, that isn’t even my point here; I want to explain a feeling I get. It’s a feeling that apparently took a lot of explanation, and is going to take just a bit more here. When I go into a bad state, a certain kind of bad state, I feel very shut down and not able to think diversely to any degree, because I’m laying there not being able to get out of bed and my brain and body don’t want to work hence the reason I can’t get out of bed and it’s crazy. Everything goes haywire because I basically go south for the winter. The state I go into feels like a shield to me, something I’ve never really felt before, like my brain with it’s emotions and my metaphorical heart are all caged and it’s almost soothing. It’s really like a vacation. There is a slight feeling of depression lingering, along with me feeling discouraged or ruined through the time, but overall I feel very shielded. The reason I’m bringing this up is because, I’ve know for a while that this “shield” can shield me from being weathered down or affected but, it’s as if my filter of what-isn’t-good-to-say just goes away.

Now: I am not sure if that’s because I feel so protected that even subconsciously I feel like I can let everything out and not get hurt because everything’s bouncing right off of me, or if it just is happening for the same reason the shield began in the first place (that being the leering depression) and I take out my anger like I usually do. I don’t usually have depressive episodes of any sort anymore, even with switching all the medications I only felt delirious and thankfully this past week it wasn’t a depressive transition. The only time I get into any depressive state is when I lack motivation in the mornings or just have way too much lethargy and drowsiness for anyone to handle, and that’s a good catalyst for depression. That happens ever so often because of how tired my meds are making me at the moment, but it doesn’t always turn to a depressive state and if it does I usually sleep through it. It’s pretty complicated.

Last thing, I have a tendency to withhold a lot of information when I start getting depressed, even just small things about how I’m feeling day to day. It doesn’t really matter in the end, I just have a tendency to tell the only people I have in my life everything that happens and so it gives me a little jolt of power when I feel like I can hold even the stupidest thing in and nobody in the world knows it but me. That’s crazy because I used to have NO secrets, everything there was in my head was spread out through other’s heads around here and for everything I got in here, at least one person knows. It’s always out in the open.

P.S., this featured image is so perfect for this.

P.S.S., Been a while since I’ve written in my “Perspective” category… Maybe I’m getting back to things 🙂

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