Inexplicable Monotony

I never thought I would meet someone who would understand that bipolar disorder in a way that, maybe wasn’t a full comprehension, but was enough knowledge to have the heart to not budge from your side for that reason. Out of all the vicious things I say just out of mania, she’s stayed with me so far, and that’s incredible. My dad and my psychiatrist are the only others I’ve seen with this quality, and I’m not sure if it’s built off compassion or just pure knowledge that my words aren’t built out of rationality, but it does give me an anchor in my life, and even when I’m cycling I know I don’t have to panic about being alone.

So, there’s another reveal, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder around 2013. It’s not something I even fully understand, and we still don’t fully understand the mechanics of my cycling and the actual episodes themselves, but I do know my medications do help me. There are a few other diagnoses that I’m medicated for a couple aren’t under control, but I don’t seem to cycle much anymore, and I think that’s pretty cool.

I have my girlfriend, my dad, and my psychiatrist here for full-on support but I know I also have others that care about me, all being family and a few doctors. What I’ve learned is that I can’t be so hard on myself for lost friendships because I’m going to (and do) lose them often. It’s not just a sad statement it’s a realization, there are horrible things I’ve said to people. There have been times where I was on the floor sobbing and they didn’t have a clue as to why. There have been many, many incidents where I pushed people away out of panic and it’s no surprise they didn’t want to reconnect. I had a post, Friends or Nah? that I wrote a bit ago and I think it was basically just about me having no friends. I guess this is just a reconciliation of all those thoughts, and although it may be true that I often feel alone, I’m realizing more and more each day how to ignore that thought altogether.

It’s stupid, I see certain people on social media and I feel of twinge of embarrassment, shame, and everything under the black moon when I know they’ve seen my posts but that’s all ridiculous. I never usually feel like that, but some people have scarred me so hard in my past that it makes me feel like everything I do is wrong. I definitely do it anyway, but it doesn’t feel good. I’m trying to find a way to feed my passions like charging a battery with enough power that I have the confidence to go about my life with no worries. It’s possible, and here I am advocating that. I’m writing, even though I feel like this isn’t even something I should post because of the lack of excitement, but I do it anyway, because I never know what comes out in my writing.

So this was a really random post, but I just wrote what’s on my mind; in other news, I got a VIP ticket to see my favorite band, Seether, in October and I was pretty much bouncing off the walls when I was able to get it. Just ask Ally, she was sleeping next to me when they announced that they were touring over here and I started yelling and bouncing up and down on the bed crazily like “Oh my God! Oh my goodness, oh my gosh, holy crap, holy crap!” because I had missed a lot of opportunities to see them and I was very, very happy to get another one, because I knew there was a way bigger chance of me getting to attend this one. I’m super excited for it. Also, Ally (my girlfriend) got a tortoise, and that’s super exciting. I love her animals, and it’s exciting to see her get new ones. I helped name him, his name is Tate Peyt. He’s adorable, and I hope I get to meet him soon. So basically, appreciate your loved ones, ignore your past ones, and purchase tons with bills with lots of ones. Goodnight, world!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s