For You

When you decided to tear off my bullet-proof vest, you made me believe it was because my trust was well-placed with you. I always thought it was. One day the things you said seemed to hurt me, but also cleared up my vision. That’s when I realized you were pointing a gun in my face. It took me a stupid amount of time to figure that out, but an even stupider amount of time to understand why I was bleeding out. It happened to fast. You say what we had seems like a waste to throw away, but I say it took 7 months to build up that trust yet only a week to fully and completely demolish it, along with every molecular shred of respect I had for you. You say you need closure, I say I’m afraid of you. The minute you said those horrible things to me, my heart dropped. Everything I saw suddenly turned grey. I no longer had the ability to hear music. I realized that it was the straw that broke the camels back. But in actuality it was like the bomb that broke the camels back because I probably would’ve eventually forgiven you for the preceding events but this is no longer even about forgiveness. Your actions weren’t a mistake. No, they just showed me you no longer deserved my trust or respect. Since that day you have not deserved a response from me. You do not deserve a retaliation although this is my only one. You do not deserve closure because if you really truly do not understand what you’ve done then I’m very glad I avoid you. I always thought I was pathetic for how you made me flinch with your daily life but now I realize there’s nothing wrong with being destroyed when someone destroys you. You can let them think for as long as you want that you’re a horrible person. They’ll make you out to be the bad guy, maybe because they don’t understand what they’ve done. They’ll never truly understand it. I’m not afraid to say that was a horrible thing. Coming from you, there is no excuse. And there is absolutely no room for pity or redemption because to me you crossed a line and for me since I actually give a crap about my life and my feelings, I will never, ever let you back into my life; I will never speak another word to you; although I can’t say I don’t “forgive” you because to me at this point I just have zero respect for you so I didn’t forgive you but I didn’t not forgive you, it’s not about forgiveness. Forgiveness is for when you accidentally make someone drop their ice cream cone. Forgiveness has no place on the other side of the line.

Because now my vision is still grey. And now my heart has stayed in my stomach. And no, you didn’t ruin my life, but you sure pushed over the dominio that led to this hell hole I’m living in. I honestly hope you never see this because I am terrified of you. I am completely terrified of you. Not in the way that I will let you bully me, but in the way that I realize you probably will bully me. And it’s scary. In the end I’ll always win because I choose to, but everyday of my life is harder because of you. And the fact that you write this big inspirational post on Facebook saying the exact things I endlessly told you…You thought I was a bitch, and now you’re trying to change your life to take my advice. Nice job getting sober. Maybe this will make you realize what you’ve done. You don’t deserve this. This is closure right here. I’m only typing this because I’m overwhelmed with sadness and need an outlet. But you don’t deserve this. I’m afraid you’re going to yell at me for this or better yet, have your posse threaten me at my house, or even just throw a firework at my house again, but honestly, it doesn’t matter, because from my perspective I was never the bad guy. My self respect is the last thing I have left in my life and I’m not going to let you take it away. Don’t try to manipulate me anymore. Just let me breathe. Just let me rest. Please let me go. If you ever, ever loved me you would never say a word to me or about me again. Like spongebob in the episode where he forgot his name, do that; forget my name and forget how to say it. Forget we ever talked, I don’t care if you don’t want to because you need to. Yes we are throwing away everything we had but that’s your fault. You were horrible to me and I put a stop to it. Because I have self respect. Something I’m not sure you ever had.

I can’t believe I ever stayed up writing about you/You don’t deserve to know the way I used to think about you.

-That one uneducated conceited bitch who will never be a model


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